Slowly Going Bald

"America's always had her problems, big and small, but do you remember how that felt? Do you remember what life was like? ... America has never been a perfect place, but we used to be united. We used to be united on some basic things. If a politician told you right now that he could make that happen, go back to those simpler times, when people were together, you'd do it in a heartbeat, wouldn't you? ... But the truth is, no politician can take you there, they can only take you farther from there. Only common sense and hard work, and only the honest truth, or better yet, the hard reality. [sic]" — Glenn Beck, 10/15/09

"We have serious problems to solve, and we need serious people to solve them. And whatever your particular problem is, I promise you, Bob Rumson is not the least bit interested in solving it. He is interested in two things, and two things only: making you afraid of it, and telling you who's to blame for it. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you win elections. You gather a group of middle-aged, middle-class, middle-income voters who remember with longing an easier time, and you talk to them about family and American values and character." — The American President

"Do not say, 'Why were the old days better than these?' For it is not wise to ask such questions." — Ecclesiastes 7:10

"Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these." — Ovid

The fake birth certificate pictured above is at the heart of what's come to be called the "birther" movement, peopled by a loose collection of extremists who dispute President Obama's citizenship and, thus, the credence of his presidency. It doesn't matter how many times the idea is proven to be a pointless controversy; adherents of the movement refuse to budge on their claims that Obama is not a natural-born citizen. From a political standpoint, it's bewildering; from a human standpoint, it's inane; but viewed as an outgrowth of fundamentalist Christianity, it makes perfect sense.

Fundamentalists have a strong respect for standing your ground and for placing your hope and reasoning in a higher and often unseen calling; that's the essence of faith, and left unsullied by the world, it can be a very good thing. This is why so many evangelicals flocked to George W. Bush and stood by him through the sub-Nixonian end; political orientation aside, when a guy says the most influential figure in his life has been Jesus Christ and speaks loftily of a return to forgotten family values, these people will stick by him out of respect for his faith and out of the belief that he's a good man regardless of demonstrable successes. More than that: Faith calls followers to trust in the unseen, meaning Bush could be a public failure but still be considered a spiritual success because of the immeasurable and unmeasurable ways in which he has adhered to the cause. It doesn't matter that a man who campaigned on his submission to Christ's teachings would eventually organize and sanction the torture and execution of other souls that messiah died to save, or even that Bush's followers never called him on the dichotomy. In a sick twist on the writings of James, these people demanded only faith, not its attendant works.

That's why the existence of the birthers, especially among more extreme-right groups that tend to be more fundamentalist or evangelical, makes perfect sense. They don't want evidence of Obama's citizenship, which is why they've ignored it every time it's given to them. They are committed to a cause not out of politics — at least, that's what they'll tell themselves — but out of a slavish devotion to a cause whose persecution by the unwashed and reliance on things not seen becomes a dark parallel of their Christian faith. They have created what they believe to be the truth, and nothing will dissuade them from it. That makes them deluded, yes, but also the worst kind of dangerous. They cannot be talked down, and they will not be reasoned out of their position. They wouldn't even see it as reason, but misleading propaganda.

For a more pointed political perspective on the birthers, here's Bill Maher. He's usually way too smug for his own good — he seems to have forgotten that reason and intellect are better suited to a balanced tone than condescending scorn — but he blasts the birthers in this clip and discusses the dangers of letting such groups get away with too much. I agree with him:

"Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint."
— President Barack Hussein Obama

An actual posting from the Los Angeles pages:

The titles just write themselves:

Touch My Wasilla
Impalin' Palin
Areola Wolf Gunning
No, Seriously, Drill Baby Drill
The Bush Doctrine: You Know, the Other Kind

Sis: welp
me: yep
i like obama so much i wanna name my kid barack
Sis: :)
i bet there will be kids named barack starting soon
me: i bet if you say the name barack 3 times a pony appears and takes you on a ride in the sky
Sis: ooh ooh ooh
try it!
me: i can't type right now, MY PONY JUST ARRIVED
Sis: OH WOW I'M SO JEALOUS
me: i bet if you whisper barack's name to a tree it sprouts fruit
Sis: haha
if you sing barack's name facing the sky, will it rain?
me: it'll rain gumdrops!
Sis: wow!
me: if you say barack's name in the shower it gets rid of any lime or mildew stains
Sis: if you write barack's name on a slip of paper and leave it under your pillow at night, you'll wake up 5 years younger
me: i have to try that!
if you get a puppy and name it barack, it will never die
Sis: [changes bama's name to barack]
if you chant barack's name while taking 10 steps backward, then jump in the air and yell "change!," a genie will appear to grant you three wishes.
me: if you think barack's name underwater, you can hold your breath for up to an hour
Sis: if you stare at your reflection in the mirror, without blinking, and repeat barack's name five times, your eyesight will correct itself
me: if you say barack's name while doing laundry, all your stains come right out
... basically, barack's name is possessed of many talismanic qualities
Sis: it appears that way

[The Sis and I have also spoken about related matters.]

My sister emailed me to relate her dream last night:

Last night, I had a dream that you and I were at some sort of small gathering somewhere, a lecture-type setting, and the guest speaker was John McCain. We were total assholes, muttering things under our breath and eventually outright heckling him. Eventually, I stood up and started demanding answers from him on a variety of topics. And then the showstopper: I ended with "This is a time for American heroes, and we reach for the stars. THE STARS." Yep. Then Bama woke me up, so who knows if Secret Service tackled me or not.

It's possible her dream was caused by our reading and discussing this opinion piece via email and Facebook messages, though she and I are also big fans of the speech in question.

I look forward to the day when all the veterans from World War II and Vietnam are finally dead and gone.

That probably sounds unimaginably harsh, but I can't help it. I don't hate the men, but what's become of their duty in pop culture. Those were the last two major wars that used a draft, and the last ones to become a kind of milestone or clearinghouse for large sections of American youth. Men of a certain age who are running for office are now expected to have participated in those actions, and those who haven't are painted as being somehow less committed. No one thinks war is a good thing, but a vet running for office is still happy to have the experience under his belt. But the wars of my generation are scattered, mismanaged affairs, and in 30 years a candidate for office will — I hope, I pray, I plead — be able to say, "No, I didn't fight in either of the Iraq wars. I thought they were bad ideas, so I went to college and got a job instead." I'm just sick and exhausted of having to assume someone is better or stronger or more courageous simply because they went to war. They're not, and that's a dangerous way to elect someone.

• At every speaking engagement and debate until the general election, John McCain and Sarah Palin must perform a duet of "A Whole New World." Bonus points given for attempts at choreography/set design/dialogue intros, but the song is key.

• McCain must promise to make my dad Secretary of Discussing Where to Get a Good Burger in South Texas.

• At the vice presidential debate, Palin must, whenever not speaking, remove her glasses and chew thoughtfully and (just barely) playfully on one of the stems. Bonus points for complimenting Joe Biden's posture.

• McCain must promise to put congressional funds into a task force designed to discover a solid financial model to help newspapers adjust to the digital age.

• Four-day work week. Seven hours a day.

• He must make Schlitterbahn a national landmark.

• McCain must spend one debate with Barack Obama discussing the differences in cultural impact between, the psychological profiles of, and the general interpersonal combat readiness of Batman and Superman. It doesn't matter specifically which side he takes; what I mean is, though I would side with the Caped Crusader, McCain can totally come out swinging for the Son of Krypton. What matters is his knowledge, oratory strength, and critical reasoning.

• He must work the text of Bryan Adams' "Summer of '69" into every speech and radio address. Example: "When I was in Hanoi, all I could dream about was getting back to my family and friends. I could still remember what life was like before that war: we were young and restless. In a way, we needed to unwind. But I knew nothing could last forever." Or whatever, you know? Have fun with it.

• Buy my mom a new car.

This week is the Democratic National Convention in Denver, and I'll be following the action on all the same old sites and stations, as well as Facebook updates from my friend, former classmate, and inevitable award-recipient Paul.

But I think we should all take a minute to reflect on the profound absurdity, sadness, and predictability that the casual encounters section of Denver's Craigslist page is already blowing up with horny conventioneers looking to go all Carcetti with whoever's in town. A lot of the ads are m4w, and quite a few are the extreme postings that will either be deleted by site admins or wind up leading some poor girl into a world of terror in a shady Days Inn. (Easily the most disturbing of these so far is the post titled "RE: DNC GANG BANG SLUT," which reads: "Hey guys. I am a straight guy here. If you actually have a Hotel room and are planning to use the 'DNC GANG BANG SLUT' that has already posted, I would appreciate if you let me know where you plan on using her. What's one more gonna hurt? Thanks." I'm too terrified to do anything but gape at the screen.)

So, there you go. Another important election at the crossroads of generational and cultural conflict, and the beginning of the end of a season that could finally see a referendum on the attitude of divisive pigheadedness that's been running rampant, but hey, let's get laid and maybe kidnap some ladies, too. I'm still a little too weirded out to draw conclusions, but I don't think I want to.

• He made his money in dirigibles.

• He wants to win by stirring up still-potent Southern anger over losing the Civil War.

• He has his suits hand-made by "the last trustworthy Indian."

• He won his wife in a poker game with Doc Holliday.

• He plans to publish his autobiography in serialized installments in the Saturday Evening Post.

• He will make purchases with gold bars, but would prefer to use bags of salt or livestock.

• He keeps trying to help Barack Obama escape to freedom on the Underground Railroad.

Just a friendly reminder to my readers in the Lone Star State that you need to vote twice, and I encourage you all to support Barack Obama. My reasons are myriad, but John and Beckylooo have said them all better anyway.

Also, for a news story about the whole voting twice thing, here's a story from the Abilene Reporter-News. I'm linking to the ARN because many of the people who comment on that site are somewhere between YouTube lurkers and IMDb/Netflix "reviewers," meaning they're just as absolutely stupid as you can be without requiring in-home care. It's like a fun little gift after the news story.

As of today, George W. Bush has less than one year left in office.

Thank God.