Slowly Going Bald

Rob: so want to see a potential future roommate of mine?
(sends link)
me: ...
huh
ask her what the 60s were like
Rob: the 60s?
me: the era in which she was born?
Rob: ah yes
me: maybe she's just done some hard living
Rob: haha
me: i think you should live with her
Rob: ryan thought she was hot
me: um
no, she's not
she's not repulsive
but i am not attracted to a woman whose chest looks like ricardo montalban's in Wrath of Khan

My boss: You seem to be a man without a song epoxy-ed to his cranium. Let me remedy that:
Zoot suit riot -- RIOT!!
me: ...i will find a way to get even
THROW BACK A BOTTLE OF BEEEER
crap
My boss: Yeah, that was inhumane. A cure:
Hey Macarena HEEEYYYYYY!!
me: love me love me, say that you love me, fool me fool me, go on and fool me
My boss: Shithead.

me: whoa whoa
there's a love theme in the prequels?
Tracy: apparently there was some sort of love story, I don't know
I never really caught it
I was too caught up in the crazy Asian-style Trade Federation
me: well the trade federation can't very well demand dipolomatic status in one breath and refuse to honor export tariffs in the next!
THAT'S NOT WHAT STAR WARS IS ABOUT MOTHERF**KER
PAY YOUR TAXES
Tracy: my god you're brilliant
me: i'm just trying to uphold george's vision
Tracy: yeah his perfect perfect vision
me: glad you finally came around
now we can be friends
Tracy: I was always on your side, no worries. Prequels 4EVAH

Me: Chatty Guy just asked the chart girl why she wasn't at (friday's epic office party)
and she had no idea what he meant
Abby: awkward
Me: not as awkward as their ensuing conversation about their respective weekends
Abby: does he live by himself? maybe he doesn't have anyone to talk to in his personal life and when he gets to work all of his thoughts explode out of him
Me: no one to talk to but his victims
Abby: ahhhhhhhhh
don't look in his freezer

Halbey: if leoben and bin linus are in a room playing poker
what happens
Me: zero sum game. constant bluffing assures that no one will ever take the entire pot
Halbey: i'd watch that one-act play
Me: kate and starbuck in a crazy-off. who wins?
Halbey: starbuck
we don't even know if she's a human being
that's how crazy she is
kate can fight to survive or whatever but kara doesn't give a frak
plus she is the only possibly nonhuman alcoholic i've heard of
besides tigh i guess
plus kate is stringing along two already-messed up guys in jack and sawyer. i guess she did get that one guy killed. but starbuck is leading along the son of adama and also the caprican equivalent of lebron james
i think your crazy quota has to be higher to pull that off
jack v lee in a "grim face bc i have the weight of the world on my shoulders" stareoff
Me: hmm
jack, but barely. he's had to be the leader, whereas lee keeps finding ways to be no. 2
Halbey: who felt worse about their infidelity
Me: jack
lee was always starbuck's bitch
Halbey: boy that's the truth. i think jack also regrets his prostitution experiment more too. wasn't bai ling a hooker?

(While The Sis was forced to monitor the Grammys at work:)
Sis: now katy perry is dancing
with quite an elaborate stage setup
me: yeesh
kevin IMd me and said he hopes the grammys blow up so we have an interesting story
and i think that would be AWESOME
Sis: haha
she was out of breath most of the time and looked confused. and she seem surprised when it ended
me: sounds like my last date CAN I GET A WITNESS
Sis: hahahaha
me: :-D
ok seriously thanks for the best setup i'll ever get
that one was right over the plate

me: i watched Milk last night
Sis: ooh, how was it?
me: good
it's tough to watch a hyped movie in awards season, especially when peter travers' masturbatory blurbs are everywhere
e.g. "i would murder my firstborn if he didn't love this movie"
but it's good
Sis: haha
me: it's tough b/c it's stuck between biopic and character study. they try to cover so many years that some of the action is a little blurry and disconnected, but the final year is pretty grounded
and also, less gay than Brokeback
Sis: less gay?!
;)
me: you see dudes kissing, and resting in bed, and even kind of fooling around, but no one ever really takes anyone from behind
and dammit i want to see dudes getting it on
Sis: hahahaha
i just burst out laughing at that
me: "i didn't come here for this impressionistic shit! LET'S SEE SOME ACTION"
Sis: hehe

Her: Do you watch "The Big Bang Theory"?
Me: [with dismissive but not unfriendly laugh] No.
Her: Oh, that's right — Tim said —... Are you artsy?
Me: Do you mean "discerning"? Then yes.

Me: I mean, Sing Song. How do you explain where you're from if it means explaining Sing Song?
Chris: It's why people write novels, man.

Me: [via phone, while driving] I am in Waxahachie, and it is gorgeous.
Ryan: Isn't it?
Me: Nothing but steel and tractors and plains.
Ryan: That place is made special for Dan Carlson.
Me: It's like God knew I was coming!
Ryan: I'll tell you what else they've got: an Assemblies of God seminary.
Me: You sold me, sir. You sold me.
Ryan: I know.
Me: That does it, I'm stopping here. I'll live here.

Me: [in reference to a just inordinately chatty new guy at the office] holy moses i actually forgot how much this guy talks
Charley: yeah, it's like you're on tv's bloopers and practical jokes
Me: no, that would be wacky and hilarious
this is soul-drying
Charley: but imagine it from the perspective of someone who doesn't have to endure it while trying to work
it's so intense it's hilarious
Me: yeah, in that Hostel/Saw kind of way
Charley: torture is fun to witness, yes

Sis: "He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep."
guess what that's an excerpt from!
me: oh my goodness
my diary!
Sis: ... i'm so sorry i snooped!
i couldn't help it!
me: seriously is that twilight
Sis: haha, yes
me: b/c i'm about to murder someone it's that bad
Sis: the slate review had that that excerpt in it as a reason why the author hasn't read the book
hehe
those lines are enough to make dan brown and nicholas sparks cry
me: ok i usually don't like dana stevens, but now i will read the review b/c that's awesome
Sis: http://www.slate.com/id/2205013
interesting
that's weird that the female character might actually want to be a vampire
and it's so wrong to have vampires who can go out in daylight. CHEATING.
at least sookie has spunk
and on that note, i'm going to dinner

Sis: welp
me: yep
i like obama so much i wanna name my kid barack
Sis: :)
i bet there will be kids named barack starting soon
me: i bet if you say the name barack 3 times a pony appears and takes you on a ride in the sky
Sis: ooh ooh ooh
try it!
me: i can't type right now, MY PONY JUST ARRIVED
Sis: OH WOW I'M SO JEALOUS
me: i bet if you whisper barack's name to a tree it sprouts fruit
Sis: haha
if you sing barack's name facing the sky, will it rain?
me: it'll rain gumdrops!
Sis: wow!
me: if you say barack's name in the shower it gets rid of any lime or mildew stains
Sis: if you write barack's name on a slip of paper and leave it under your pillow at night, you'll wake up 5 years younger
me: i have to try that!
if you get a puppy and name it barack, it will never die
Sis: [changes bama's name to barack]
if you chant barack's name while taking 10 steps backward, then jump in the air and yell "change!," a genie will appear to grant you three wishes.
me: if you think barack's name underwater, you can hold your breath for up to an hour
Sis: if you stare at your reflection in the mirror, without blinking, and repeat barack's name five times, your eyesight will correct itself
me: if you say barack's name while doing laundry, all your stains come right out
... basically, barack's name is possessed of many talismanic qualities
Sis: it appears that way

[The Sis and I have also spoken about related matters.]

me: there's one of these next to my office on the sidewalk:
(sends link)
Sis: nice
me: yeah
kind of a cool jab at, you know, change
i mean, the business sucks right now, completely
still, nice to see someone keep swinging
Sis: seriously
me: like, watching Wire 5 makes me want to be a reporter, but an old one 30 years ago
some old guy who won't even use a fax machine
Sis: right, totally
it makes you sad that you missed the boat
me: yeah
work some small-town rag, know everyone at the hall, flirt with secretaries, where's my hat janet i've got a meeting
Sis: :)
me: "you tell the mayor he can put an egg in his shoe and beat it! we've got the exclusive!"
[goes maybe a little overboard]
Sis: hehe
i want to work at your newsroom
me: we don't have a lot of dolls, but if you're thick skinned enough, we could use you
Sis: ok
i promise i won't get my skirt in a knot
me: do it and you're out on your keyster

First up, over at the Willamette Week, I take a look at the tribute to bloated pomp that is the Olympics. It's basically 17 days of sports smothered by horribly cloying human-interest stories.

Click here for the piece.

Second, touching on a subject I only glanced upon in the column, I can't get over how much the viewing public is willing to put aside in re: China's wild abuses of human rights in order to pretend to give a shit about Michael Phelps. In the spirit of that, here's an online transcript:

slackeer33: (sends link)
sad
me: lame
plus some of the fireworks were digitally done for home viewers
slackeer33: whaaaaat
me: (sends link)
slackeer33: "this is actually almost animation"
hahaha
me: yeah
lame
slackeer33: china is just ridiculous
me: yeah
fake fireworks, oppression, human rights abuses, trying to make it rain
slackeer33: i liked how they opening ceremonies highlighted environmental responsibility and all that harmony and concern for future generation stuff.
yeah. ok, china.
me: haha
yes
harmony IN FIERCE ACCORDANCE WITH YOUR GOVERNMENT
slackeer33: haha yeah
we kept joking during the gymnastics about how the mistakes would cost them a lot more than just a low score
"i have shamed my family. i will have to throw myself to my death promptly after completion of this rotation."
me: now that i would tune in for

me: the parttime erotica paginator just defended george lucas' computer-enhanced versions of the original Star Wars trilogy, saying they were "gorgeous" and full of things he couldn't do in 1977
i hate her so hard
Sis: oh wow
punch her
punch her now!
me: OK
i did it
she got upset
but i said you made me
Sis: ok
man, no person should ever defend those edits, or the prequels
me: exactly
EXACTLY

Sis: layoffs at work? that sucks
me: yep
we lost several, including GTHM
Sis: oh wow
that sucks for them
me: but GTHM
her bringing me my xeroxes of the day's dummies was always among the 3 best parts of EVERY DAY
Sis: who will you pine for now?
me: I HAVE NO IDEA
Sis: sad times
me: oh GTHM
let me comfort thee
Sis: well, how is everything else going?
me: i'm also struggling against the cold and mighty wind of despair that's sweeping through my heart and leaving me a lost and wandering man now that GTHM and i are no more to be together
Sis: wow
she's engaged
me: no man's cheap metal can purchase the heart of the woman for whom i have so long striven
Sis: haha
touche
me: for on the day that i consign my love to the abyss like some fairweather maiden — on that day, i shall no more be a man than the lad who has yet to know the touch of a woman as such as GTHM
[gets shakespearean in his delirium]
Sis: hehe
me: FIE UPON THEE, WINDS OF FATE THAT HAVE SWEPT UP MY LOVE SO

[In the midst of discussing future job opportunities:]
Her: where do you want to work? Maybe you could work for perez hilton!
me: i would only work for perez hilton as part of a plan to infiltrate his organization and brutally kill him
Her: hahaha no! i love him!
me: good God no melanie
no no
come back to the light
Her: :)
i can't live with out my perez hit
and tmz
me: tmz = not good for you either, though maybe better than perez
if satan had a gay cousin, it would be perez hilton

Sis: ok, a photog just came by and said that he read that the guy from "Weird Science" who wasn't Anthony Michael Hall is now a professor of literature at Angelo State. i told him we should do a story on him. and then i started saying "crazy? insane? insane? crazy?"
me: hahaha
man, i wanna meet that guy
Sis: seriously

me: earlier, my boss asked GTHM to help set up her dvd player. but guess what — IT'S A VCR
i have no idea how this escaped my boss' notice
but it did
Sis: hahahahahaha
that's so awesome
me: yep
her lack of technological know-how is astounding

Roommate: man, i was just thinking how great 80s TV shows were...the fall guy, magnum pi, chips, airwolf, knight rider, dukes of hazzard
simon and simon to a lesser extent
me: Airwolf was awesome
Roommate: jake and the fatman sucked
plus i think all of the shows were on in the afternoon when i got home from school
none of this wait till 9pm at night BS
me: you should travel back in time
Roommate: i've been trying all morning...damn machine doesn't work
i must have crossed the circuitry somehow
me: did you put in a quarter?
there's your problem
Roommate: no change machine
me: damn
Roommate: only takes singles

Roommate: ok, the guy here at work said the movie with kristen bell was pulse...so iduno...never saw it
me: me either
i mean, i could find this out in like 2 seconds w/ google
but my ass would get fired
Roommate: i just looked it up on imdb...said it was pg13...so iduno
me: yeah
your coworker is nuts
Roommate: i doubt topless...sounded more like a quick skin flash while in a tub
me: pssht
Roommate: lol
no pleasing you...even hearing that i was kind of excited for you
me: haha
thanks man
i'm not saying i'm not pleased by the idea. i just think that with my level of love for kristen bell, i would've heard the news
Roommate: well, by your reaction...i think you're gay
me: well, i do love cock

Sis: i'm watching pretty in pink
me: james spader is a badass in white pants
Sis: and wicker shoes with no socks
me: BAD
ASS
Sis: it's true
i don't get why people are so mean to duckie, though
i don't remember there being nerds like that getting hit in the halls and pushed into bathrooms. maybe because i'm a girl
me: yeah, nerd hazing is more typically confined to locker rooms or sporting arenas
then again, it is john hughes
Sis: yeah
james is on!
me: you could never mention this again and call me up in 20 years and say, "hey, what do you think of spader in Pretty in Pink?" and i would say "BADASS IN WHITE PANTS"
it is an eternal truth
Sis: haha
it's so true
Blaine?! that's not a name, that's a major appliance
sorry
man, i need sleep
me: what kind of appliance is blaine?
THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE JOHN

me: at the end of Shawshank, the warden slams down the paper when he sees it's a story about his illegal deeds. but wouldn't the paper have had to contact him for a quote before running the story?
Sis: haha
yes and no
if they're wanting to break a story, they might just run it
me: true, but they can be reasonably assured it's an exclusive, given that they're probably the only ones who received a package containing the prison's ledger, not to mention this is way before online/instant news
it seems like it would only be responsible to contact the warden before going to press
maybe that would have changed everything
maybe the warden would've run off or plead out instead of killing himself
and now the paper's editor has the warden's death on his conscience
Sis: yeah, he might have been a flight risk
me: oh totally
bail would be super high at the arraignment
assuming they caught him

• Further thought: Andy created the fictional Randall Stevens as a way to launder the warden's money and act as a kind of nexus for all the illegal goings-on at Shawshank. Andy even says that if anyone wanted to trace the cash, it wouldn't lead to the warden, but to the nonexistent Stevens. But once Andy escapes, he temporarily assumes the Stevens identity to make a series of withdrawals at local banks before splitting for Mexico. Now that the local news and law enforcement officials are pursuing the missing Andy Dufresne and investigating the warden's life, isn't it reasonable to assume they're going to discover the Stevens alias and eventually track Andy to Mexico? I'm not saying this is a given; it just seems like Andy would want to stay on his toes.

Rob: is it just me, or has today seemed somewhat extraordinarily long day
me: sooooo long
Rob: how's GTHM looking today
scale of 1-10
me: hovering at a consistent 8.5
Rob: fuzzy sweater?
me: sweater, kinda fuzzy
and she keeps licking her index finger like it's a popsicle
is that weird?
Rob: no
that is very, very normal
me: thank goodness
because every time she does it i drop another folded $1 bill at her feet
which is how a gentleman says thank you

Sis: brad renfro died
that's crazy
me: yeah
heroin will do that
Sis: that sucks
he was talented
me: i mean, i don't know if a cause of death has been released yet
but he was busted a couple years ago for heroin
= you know where this is going
Sis: right
well, my 12-year-old heart is broken
me: haha
aw
Sis: him AND jonathan brandis?
if JTT is murdered, i may have to kill myself
me: it will be like your middle school self is being tortured
Sis: I KNOW
me: if devon sawa turns up dead tomorrow, you should call in sick
Sis: i wonder what JTT is up to these days ...
me: waiting for you
Sis: a girl can dream, can't she?
me: yep
i bet he gets up every day and watches Wild America
Sis: ...
i remember seeing that in the theater
and i owned "Tom & Huck" and "Man of the House"
me: i know
he was a cute kid
your fandom was not wihout merit
Sis: i appreciate that
... too bad i had like 400 posters of him in my room
me: i had a poster of heidi klum with the nipples digitally erased, which i hadn't noticed when i bought it
Sis: i remember that
you had it on the back of your door, and you were pissed that the nipples weren't there
me: so pissed
Sis: i also remember dad not being happy about it
the poster
not the nipples
me: HAHAHA
"son, you need to check next time so you get a poster with nipples. don't get taken advantage of"
and then we'd hug
Sis: "next week, i'll show you how to insert ones into strippers' g-strings"
ew
me: well, i'll have to get back to you later, right now i have to go drink some bleach
Sis: hahahahahaha
you. are. welcome.
me: [shakes it off]
i don't know how i can repay you for that
i'll have to think
Sis: :)
me: emoticon didn't show. i bet it's the "i killed my brother's libido" face
Sis: exactly
or, a smiley
either/or

Sis: a headline in tomorrow's life section: "Maybe your friends and family know why you're still single"
:(
me: holy buckets
that's depressing
"your mom knows why you're a virgin, fatty"
Sis: aww
me: "maybe you should ask your cousin what's wrong with you"
Sis: :( :(
me: hehe
yeah
that was dark
Sis: yeah it was
yet funny
me: that's my wheelhouse
funny + things that would actually make you kill yourself if they really happened
Sis: haha
it works
me: "hey, a joke about weirding out your prom date! hilarious! where do you think up this stuff?" "...i don't know"
Sis: did you really weird out your prom date?
me: not that i know of, but i would totally imagine i did. i had never slow danced with a woman before
you can just build out from there
Sis: hahaha
ok
me: :-/
Sis: bless your heart
eh, in high school you just stand and sway
it's not like you waltz or anything
me: oh, that the shame-face emoticon could convey the sheer terror of thin tuxedo slacks and a sophomore with a large chest
Sis: oh wow
what was her name?
jenny?
me: wow
yes
it was jennifer
Sis: i'm amazing
i remember her face
me: she was like 5'9" and had a very slight sway in her two front teeth and was just built to spill and kill in that dress
poor jenny
hope you're ok, and alive
Sis: haha
me: now you know why Freaks and Geeks had just massive appeal to me at 17

Ryan: sarah and i saw The Kingdom last night at the $1 theater
me: poor blown-up kyle chandler
"i think we got most of it contained—" kaBLAM
second blast
Ryan: i guess he didn't get the newspaper early for that one

Ryan: so Dan, who is the most culturally important figure
from 17th century France
me: um
someone named louis
Ryan: ok, just wondering
how about in your head?
me: hmm
jesus, bill adama, batman, max fischer
Ryan: *cries*
that is, perhaps, the perfect anwer
as perfect as you can get without mentioning Star Wars
me: damn, good point
jesus, bill adama, batman, max fischer, han solo
Ryan: and perfect
maybe you are perfect, dan
*blushes*
me: maybe i am

me: i just tried to fix the printer for the new woman who [job description redacted so my ass doesn't get fired]
she's cute
and she had that girl smell
what the hell is that smell
Sis: a girl smell?
a mixture of shampoo and perfume and cleanliness
me: no, it's more than those 3 things
has to be
Sis: well i don't know
i don't know if i have a smell
me: because i wash my hair, stay clean, and wear a pleasing cologne, and i don't smell like a meadow in springtime mixed with sexual repression
Sis: hahahahahahahaha
ok i'm trying not to laugh out loud
me: :)
like body glitter and conditioner and sunshine and 19 other things
her face was SPARKLY
don't wear that crap to work
it's gonna distract me
"can you help me fix the printer?" "you cheeks look like stars." "...thanks?"
Sis: hahaha
this is great
your cheeks look like stars
hahaha
me: "i really just wanted you to help me fix the printer." "you smell like a bed i want to wake up in"
Sis: oh wow
eek
me: oh come on, that one was funny
:-/
Sis: it is
but not innocently funny like the cheeks one
me: i think it is
i was also debating, "you smell like being at home"
i was going for the comfort angle
Sis: ah
it was more of the comfort/sex angle
me: sex = comfort. male mindset
Sis: ah
me: well
Sis: well

Rob: is it just me, or is ginny book-hot?
me: yeah, she is. if she gets hurt, i'm gonna be upset
Rob: what's weird is how un-hot she is in the movie(s)
they're going to have to do a hell of a makeup job to make that work
or re-cast
i'm thinking isla fisher
me: haha
i can't remember what the girl who plays her looks like
but isla fisher would be great
Rob: let me help you out
[sends this link]
not hot
and that's a freakin headshot
aka "this is the best you get"
me: aw
Rob: i mean, she's okay looking
but the character is supposed to be hot
me: [sends this link]
she looks a little better there
older, anyway
but also hidden
Rob: yes
and i disagree, she does not look hotter there
me: haha
Rob: we have that one-sheet in our office
i think she's going to have a lot of bang action going on
to hide her face
and it's not going to work
me: i think it can work
Rob: sure for british standards she's hot. she has all her teeth and they're pointing in the right direction
that equals jessica alba in britain
me: true
Rob: i just think book ginny is hotter than movie ginny
have i given this too much thought?
probably
am i a big nerd for instigating this conversation?
definitely
me: no
she's book-hot
you're right on that one
Rob: and book ginny can do amazing things w/ her tongue
movie ginny — it just lays there like a limp slug in her mouth
me: what the
Rob: er
me: you should know i plan to publish this conversation
Rob: that's okay. (you know it's true about book ginny)

me: don't tase me, bro
man
kid just had a good question about kerry being in the same super-secret super-powerful club as bush
and he gets shocked
lame
Sis: seriously
i mean, he was acting stupid, but the police shouldn't have been trying to tackle him in the first place
me: yeah. maybe he could've phrased it better, been more sly, but i like the premise, you know?
skull and bones guys were like the birth of the cia
Sis: it's true
me: just a bunch of rich scary new englanders
Sis: hehe
me: with their chowder and torture
Sis: :)
pastel polo shirts and wiretapping programs
me: freaking boat shoes and international webs of secret agents
Sis: using their rowing paddles to waterboard detainees on
me: choking immigrants with those camel-hair scarves
Sis: waxing their yachts with never-used writs of habeas corpus
me: powering their homes on martha's vineyard with the failed dreams of oppressed minorities
Sis: using their silver spoons to hook up the electrical wiring on enemy combatants, who have their heads covered with letterman's sweaters
me: with their rigidly patriarchal society and their distaste for the bill of rights

me: i have a headache
i went and got ibuprofen from the first aid kit
i thought about getting cramp tabs just to see if that would help
Sis: it would
cramp tabs?
wow
they have ibuprofen in them
me: hmm
and they make me feel like a confident woman again
so, bonus
Sis: this is what i'm saying

Ryan: you know, half our D&D group is married. i'm just saying.
me: having a tolerant wife doesn't necessarily make D&D okay. even hitler got some trim.

Sis: girls really do over-analyze too much
me: also, water is wet

me: so, mitt romney: very creepy or just regular creepy?
Sis: very creepy
me: hmm
i was gonna just go with "regular creepy"
explain
Sis: he's a robot
robots = very creepy
the end
me: well, when you're right, you're right
follow-up: are all mormons robots, or just ones as high-profile as romney?
Sis: hmm, that's a tricky one
while i do believe they are genetically mutated beings (guess what the secret underwear is hiding!), i don't think they're all robots. If they were, they likely would have been more persuasive in converting the non-robots who just want to watch TV in their home without having a pimply-faced 17-year-old in a tie and bike helmet hand them a tract after dinner. Romney is clearly good at fooling people (frakking toasters!), so he's clearly a robot.
me: good point
so, did the regular mutant mormons build the robot mormons? or did the robot mormons create a special mutated kind of human mormon?
i only ask because you seem well-versed in their history
Sis: how perceptive you are!
you're right on both counts
Sis: the regular mutant mormons built robot mormons when their numbers were dwindling -- that whole polygamy thing backfired -- and in turn, those robot mormons used their impressive corporate connections (romney) to breed special mutated robot-human mormons. how else can you explain romney leading the iowa polls? it's just not humanly possible for a mormon to be that accepted by the whitest state in the union. the key word being human. he's got tricks up his sleeves, that robot-human.
me: i had no idea
Sis: sadly, few do

Sis: i was telling co-workers about our pancake diner
they think it's cool
and that we should open it here
but i said the chances of getting you to come back to abilene are slim
me: tell them the chances of me moving to abilene are slim to none, and none just punched slim in the nuts
me: if i won the lottery and my wife heidi klum wanted to move to abilene just so we could have sex beneath the tower of light during watermelons at GSP pledging — i would probably not go
Sis: hahahahaha
holy crap
so that's settled then
it'll be in cali
or austin
me: austin works
just not abilene
Sis: right
me: if my wife kristen bell wanted to move to abilene so she could wear a sandwich-board everyday that said "i will bear all of dan carlson's children, for his love is my sustenance and his body my joy," and if i was given a job as president of acu and allowed to turn the admin building into a house/fort/waterslide — i would probably not go

Sis: Grandy's: It's soul food, not heart food.
Grandy's: While clogging your arteries, it unclogs your soul.
me: are you making new slogans for grandy's?
Sis: haha, a co-worker did. i'm just really full
me: man, i haven't eaten there in years
since school
Sis: yeah, me neither
me: all i can remember is cinnamon rolls
Sis: it was empty
yeah
me: "grandy's: the tastiest way to kill yourself"
Sis: nice one
me: "grandy's: when you stop trying"
"grandy's: fried chicken won't judge you like she does"
Sis: hahahaha

me: GTHM¹ just walked by
i would read the entire book of first nephi for her
i would wear black slacks and avoid all carbonated drinks just for her
i would bike from door to door in a poor attempt to convert people just for GTHM
Sis: wow
isn't GTHM taken?
me: by a skinny hip rock star, yes
but is he willing to wear the chafing underwear? will he make the yearly pilgrimage to salt lake?
because i will
I WILL
Sis: haha
tell her that
me: i will
Sis: and then launch into "Take My Breath Away"
me: watching in slow motion as you turn to me and saaaaaaaaay
...my love...
TAKE MY BREATH AWAAAAAAAAAAAY
i will do it
today's the day i let berlin do my talking for me
Sis: what a glorious day

^{1. GTHM is the colloquialism I have bestowed on a female coworker, G——, who is a practicing member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and so cute I could puke. You can assemble the acronym yourself.}

me: if i were a superhero, i would be shovelin dan the shovelin man
i would go around planting trees
and speaking out about the environment
and having anonymous sex with groupies
and i would drive a bus
and i would get in adventures
they would want to make my life into a kids' cartoon, but it would be too risque
Sis: haha
kind of like tek jansen?
me: tek jansen wouldn't be fit to clean the grit from my shovel or wash my sheets, not without extensive training in my shovelin man ways
Sis: haha
you need sleep
me: i can sleep in my bus while jenny drives me to the rally
Sis: who's jenny?
me: duh, sarah
the redhead who's organizing the rally i'm speaking at
she saw my shovelin dan photo and said the image of me in that hat made her feel like a woman should
Sis: wow
just... wow
me:
for i am shovelin dan, the shovelin
MAN
gonna dig me a hole, gonna plant me a tree

Sis: mmm, food
me: what kind?
Sis: burger and fries
that i didn't pay for
me: nice
that's the best kind
next to burger and fries served to you by rachel mcadams holding a check for a billion dollars
Sis: true
me: while she's sitting on a unicorn
that's hovering
and shooting lasers from its eyes that burn your enemies but make you smarter and give you more hair
Sis: wow
me: ...anyway

Sis: there was a body found in a field here. the big country is falling apart

me: ...whoa

wow

murder?

suicide?

Sis: i have no idea

just a body

me: wow

"just a body"

were any fingers missing or anything?

Sis: haha, i don't know

[...]

brb

Sis: back

me: did you go out to see the body?

Sis: haha, no

i moved my car

me: ah

did avoid seeing the body because you're actually the killer?

it's ok. you can tell me

Sis: ...

me: ...crap, sarah

not again

not the murders AGAIN

Sis: :-/

me: way to let down mom and dad

and the state of texas correctional system

Sis: sorry

me: ah well

just don't do it again

now go out and play, you rascal

Sis: ok!

--------

me: if i had to shoot you in the gut and blow your blood across the wall so you could die and download into a new you just to save our baby...
me: i would do it
RMS: thank you
RMS: If you crashed over a hill 2 clicks away, I'd send sarah out for you
me: thank you
me: if you were stuck on the surface, i would act like i would nuke you to save the world, but i would be bluffing. i would let you live
RMS: thx
RMS: if you defied the authority of the group, I would tranfer your sentience to cold storage
me: i appreciate that
me: if you kept killing yourself to see the face of God, i would encourage you to follow your dreams
RMS: thanks
RMS: if you tortured me, I would imagine I was having sex at the time
me: good
me: if you got shot by a robot, i would totally kill her in cold-blooded vengeance
RMS: thanks
RMS: if I was really mad at you, i would have an intense boxing match then hug it out
me: aw, thanks
me: if your wife wanted to sleep with me, i would wait until she divorced you first
RMS: thx
RMS: If you betrayed the resistance, I would poison you
me: you'd better
me: if your wife was wounded a couple miles away, i would force you to stay with me at gunpoint
RMS: good
RMS: if you lost your eye and were embittering the crew, I would tell you to shoot me or get the hell out
me: if sarah was being held captive, i would go with you and help kill the guys who were about to hurt her
RMS: thx
RMS: if we got stranded with the rest of a sports team, I would lead us in the resistance
me: thanks
me: if you sided with the enemy during the occupation, i would consider throwing you out the airlock once we escaped
RMS: thanks
RMS: I you were under my command, I would speak in low tones and not look at you until things were bad and I started to growl
me: thanks
me: if i were captured and asked about you, i would let them pull out my eye, since i would never give you up
RMS: thank you
RMS: if they killed you in a raid on the temple, I would blow myself up at graduation
me: if you were shot in an away mission on the surface, i would lie to you and say the ship was here, so that you would be happy when you died
RMS: thank you
RMS: if you were captured and held prisoner by the cylons for years, I would admit that I lied to you
RMS: about being shot down by me
me: thanks, man
me: if you were a mean commander of a rival ship, i would arrange your assassination

RMS: saw one flew over the cuckoo's nest last night
for the first time
me: classic
RMS: yup
me: if i had to, i would smother you
for your freedom
RMS: hahaha
good
if I had to, I would push you into a room with a hooker
me: *hugs ryan*
thank you
well now i know what you're getting me for christmas

me: oh man

i'm editing a review for a reality show called My Bare Lady

about porn stars taking an acting class

and it turns out that imdb has these women in their system

AND titles

ew

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0799887/

...

Sis: man, these titles are out of control

me: Fine Ass Bitches 5

that's amazing

hehehehehehe

Invasian 2

brilliant

Sis: Grand Theft Anal 9

me: hahahaha

Sis: Party at Butts Place

hahaha

oh man

most of these titles are from this year. she's had a busy year

me: apparently so

jeez

these are amazing

Absolutely Adorable

that one's kinda cute

The Maintenance Girls

that one just sounds like a drama

Sis: how deceiving

me: yeah

like maybe you rent it b/c you like maintenance

then BAM

boobies

so confusing

Sis: haha

that's how they get ya

me: "what the ...? that's not how you fix a coolant leak. OH GOOD LORD"

Sis: hahahaha

me: they should totally make educational porn

like car repair

home building

etc.

Sis: wasn't that what they made in "The Girl Next Door"?

me: no

the lesson there was "dating a porn star is probably a bad idea"

i want the lesson to be "here's how to install drywall"

Sis: no, i thought that the porn they made at school was like that

me: oh

but that was a sex ed video

everybody already knows that

wear a condom, don't sleep with girls named after cities, etc.

i want basics of modern living

painting the dining room, roofing, auto maintenance, etc.

Sis: haha

nice

me: i think porn sales would get even bigger

"hey, i love this girl! and now i can do my own grouting and tile work!"

--------

Me: so, i'm flipping through channels this morning and come across the crappy 90s tv show Step by Step

Me: from miller-boyett productions

Me: they also did Full House, Family Matters, etc.

Sis: right

Me: and it hits me:

Me: i hate miller-boyett productions

Me: hate them

Me: hate hate hate

Sis: haha

Sis: sorry

Sis: at least they're not making them anymore

Me: but they made them

Me: and recorded them for posterity

Me: and that is a grievous sin

Sis: hahaha

Sis: yeah

Sis: not the best shows

Sis: i sure did watch them as a kid, though

Me: but we were kids

Me: we thought as kids, spoke as kids, reasoned as kids

Me: now that we are grown

Me: we put those ways behind us

Me: and go find miller and boyett and beat the crap out of them

Sis: hahaha

Sis: ok

Sis: it's a deal

Sis: if they're in the LA area, then we know what we're doing one day next week

Me: kicking some ass

Sis: damn right

--------