Slowly Going Bald

It's hard to pick a favorite, but "is lady gaga a man" is right up there.

Here are the latest keyword searches that led people here. Some of them make sense. Some of them, I don't know what to say.

cruelest comics xxx
why is steve lacon bald
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choreoanimator
is charlie kaufman going bald
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law & order da's
perfect stories
bald girl fifth element
what does a bean mean the office video
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fictional characters on twitter
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responses to teasing about going bald
law and order assistant district attorneys
my tv favorites friends

Over at Pajiba, we've got a wonderful list of great movie quotes. These are the lines you say all the time, the ones you find yourself dropping in conversation without even thinking about it. Plus, we even got plugged on the home page of IMDb. For a small operation, it feels pretty nice.

I wish so much that I were making these up:

• You won't find even the traces of your small miserable and retarded friend in pants.
• Do you really trust her?
• Our product equals great boner plus great stamina!
• Revealing the secrets of pornstarts!
• Leading supplier of Canadian chemists in now available for you.
• Celebrate your victory in love.
• With such powers you will be able to make your woman really satisfied.
• aid your lover couch experience
• boost your belove bed adventures
• 15 Mistakes Every woman made!
• The best way to drive her crazy.
• The world's largest online health shop.
• Fill in your medication subscription.
• Break lovemaking world records
• Crazy wholesale
• hoist your sweet night event (This one is just amazing.)
• There will always be a moment in your life that can change everything, insure yourself with blue-pill!
• Lost way to her G spot?
• Want to get harder and stay up longer? We know how.

• Sleeping until 1 p.m. when 12:30 p.m. is perfectly acceptable. Be more proactive!
• Drinking three nights a week. Come on, you never want to be hungover for work. Two nights a week won't kill me. (Be strong on this one!)
• Using my turn signal when there's no one there. It wastes electricity, and I think we should be good stewards of our environmental resources.
• Washing underwear more than once a month. Again, this goes back to wastefulness, which is something I think we can all do our part to help reduce. Together we can do it guys!
• Paying attention when people talk to me. I need to do more for myself or I'll never feel like I'm centered, you know?
• Reading the news. It changes every day, and people tend to tell me when something happens that affects my life. Plus this will give me more time for reading for pleasure (currently on the nightstand: Shopaholic Takes Manhattan NO SPOILERS PLZ!!).
• Dogmatic Catholicism.

For my funeral, I'd like these songs to be played:

• "Please Tell My Brother," Golden Smog
• "No Depression," Uncle Tupelo
• "On Your Porch," The Format
• "Will I See You in Heaven," The Jayhawks
• "Into the Mystic," Van Morrison
• "Casimir Pulaski Day," Sufjan Stevens
• "Sin Wagon," Dixie Chicks
• "Green Pastures," Emmylou Harris
• "Return of the Grievous Angel," Gram Parsons
• "Long Black Veil," Johnny Cash
• "I'm Going to the Place," Lyle Lovett
• "Softly and Tenderly," whoever you can find
• "I"m Good Now," Bob Schneider

What do you want at yours?

Acceptable
"The Quickening"
"The New Batch"
"...In Space"
"Lord of Illusions"
"The Wrath of Khan"
"The Revenge"
"The Final Nightmare"
"...With a Vengeance"
"Back in the Habit"

Unacceptable
"Electric Boogaloo"

"It's always something."

You can't save anyone.

Always try to get a nonstop flight. Always. Also: If a first-class upgrade is available, you should take said upgrade.

Never go to Target on a Saturday.

"This is water. This is water."

You can't go giving a f*ck when it's not your turn.

"Anna Begins" is still really good. Just ... damn.

If a bar has free hot dogs, then it is a good bar.

The likelihood that you will wind up sitting next to someone who talks in the theater is directly related to your anticipation level of the film in question, the film's potential for quality, and a general X factor that's impossible to define. E.g., You can wander into an Iron Man matinee and have a good time, but you will be forced to listen to conversations about redecorating the sunroom during the final scene of There Will Be Blood.

I can drink more than I ever thought possible.

"Nothing's easy."

All you can do is do what you can.

"A newspaper can't love you back." And it never will.

Sometimes — not all the time, not even half the time, but sometimes — leaving your iPod on shuffle will open up your soul. You'll hit a run of three or four songs you would never think to put together but whose combined effect is the perfect reflection of your mood, your day, your life. And when that happens, just keep driving.

No one will ever stick around forever, and things will never not change. The tighter you hold on, the faster it goes.

Never underestimate the idiocy of the elderly, the confused, or hardcore conservatives.

A hooded sweatshirt is 12 of the smartest dollars you can spend.

Life is too short to watch bad movies or TV, listen to bad music, or read bad books. Yes, we all need escapes, little breaks between the serious stuff. But even trying to ironically appreciate crap still means watching/listening to/reading crap. It's not worth it, and it never will be.

If you think you should stop, keep going. Something interesting will probably happen.

All is fair, etc.

When you're lying about your profession, never say "reporter."

"Being single is like a fun nightmare."

The best hangover cure is preemptive: When you get home at the end of the night, pop three Tums and three extra-strength Excedrin. Let the pills work their magic while you sleep. Pop another three of each with/for breakfast and you're good to go.

"Hold on tightly, let go lightly."

"It's all happening."

Today's phrase: "I like my women like I like my coffee...." Here are a few to start:

• "... strong and black."
• "... piping hot and sprinkled with cinnamon."
• "... topped with whipped cream."
• "... they burn going down."
• "... smelling faintly of chai."
• "... full of dirty beans."
• "... with a warning label about the contents."

Fire away.

I usually don't participate in blog surveys or tag games, but I respect Pastor Kes and have decided to play along. The rules are these:

• Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog (done);
• Share seven random and/or weird facts about yourself (see below);
• Tag seven other people at the end of your post and link to their blogs (see next);
• Let each person know they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog (that seems like a lot of work, but I might do it anyway).

1. As a child, I was obsessed with even numbers. Completely and fully obsessed. The sidewalk leading from my elementary school to the neighborhood out back and then home had pretty standard slabs of concrete, and I stepped on every slab twice: left-right, left-right. When I reached the longer slabs, I shifted to three steps: left-right-left, right-left-right. It wasn't until the end of middle school that I could walk normally down a sidewalk and not worry about where I'd stepped or how many times. I needed everything to balance out, to be even, to have the kind of symmetry some part of me demanded of the world. I don't know why.

2. I'm not embarrassed by the mole on my left cheek, but I'm also not disappointed that my beard hides it.

3. I have relative pitch and a healthy respect for harmony. This probably explains/is explained by the 9.5 years in which I was involved in the school choir, two years of which also included participating in a barbershop group.

4. I dream about flying a lot.

5. I have never left the continent.

6. I feel like a failure if I give up on a book. Even if it's bad.

7. I haven't felt at home anywhere in years.

Bonus fact that proves I was raised in Texas: I can sing all or part of more than 40 George Strait songs. I counted.

As for the next seven I'm supposed to tag, I'm opening it up for anyone to feel free to respond however you like, or to do it on your own blog. I'm easy.

• I scratch my back on vertical surfaces.

• I emit large, powerful yawns.

• I have a low metabolism and often need to nap after eating.

• I killed a park ranger.

• I'm covered in coarse fur.

• I'm not that dexterous.

• I can be taken down by a tranquilizer dart.

• I can run for a short burst, but after that, my speed drops to zero.

• I'm fiercely protective of my young.

• I like fish.

• I can climb trees, though only to a certain extent.

• I can be scared away by loud noises.

• I like pic-a-nic baskets.

The Lonesome Cowboys

Demons of Consequence

Pinprick Sainthood

Bob Downey and the Iron Men

The Lapsed Protestants

Pony Boy and the Outsiders

The Real Hatfields

Understanding the Debt You Didn't Know You Signed Up For

Explaining Religion to Everyone Else

Coming to Grips With Your Poorly Chosen Major

Hanging Out With Women Who Won't Sleep With You, Ever, No Matter How Often You Hang Out or What Kind of On-Again-Off-Again Thing You Delude Yourself Into Thinking Exists: Practicum

Nailing Those Really Quick Green-Orange Jumps on the Hard Setting of "Rock Band"

Paying Your Dues: Economic Lessons in Why That Dream Job Won't Happen Until You're Too Old to Like It

Girls Gone Wild: Looking For a Father Figure

Girls Gone Wild Just Stare at You and Make You Think About What You're Doing

1. Sometimes I pretend to like movies or books that I don't actually like that much just to get along with people. I figure, I know I'm right, so why start trouble.

2. If someone asked me to be in their barbershop group, I would probably say yes.

3. I don't have that much food in the house. I mostly live on sandwiches.

4. No matter where I go or what I do, or how my musical tastes temper themselves over the years, I'm pretty much always gonna like George Strait.

5. Sometimes I say I've seen a movie that I haven't just to fit into the conversation.

6. I quietly judge people based on what they say or do, and if I write someone off as the kind of former-jock-future-CPA character I can't seem to erase from my mind's central casting department, I will usually feel superior as long as I know them. It doesn't happen often, but when it does only large-scale revelations can reverse this. I know it's not good, but at the same time, I don't quite mind doing it.

7. I don't like wine. I feel this is one of those obstacles to adulthood I will never overcome: Eventually, everyone starts drinking wine and eating hummus and developing strong opinions about the housing market. But really, I'd rather just order a Newcastle and talk about TV.

8. I'm starting to think I picked the wrong major for someone who wants to be well-compensated for their talents.

9. Fried rice, orange chicken, and a chicken egg roll. Almost every time.

10. I hate cars. They're just these big damn worthless things that break constantly, and you have to take it everywhere you go. I just want to get from here to there.

Because I enjoy seeing what search terms led people to this site, and because I keep forgetting to check, and because John recently reminded me just how bizarre this can be — I present a list of searched phrases that, for whatever reason, brought people to this blog. Enjoy:

"if i say i am an oil man"

"cowboy sayings"

"cowboy sayings about life"

"bald and beards"

"whatever doesn't kill you makesyou stranger"

"if i say that i am an oilman"

"stardust, yvaine, blue dress"

"how do i know if i'm going bald"

"dharma rambaldi"

"slowly going bald"

"if i say i'm an oil man, you will agree"

I stole this idea from McSweeney's, but was actually inspired to steal it after seeing that Bells On also stole it. Plus, when you think about it, when's the last time McSweeney's was so consistently amazing you would feel bad stealing from them? They started out all Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, but have totally slid down into IV. Anyway, here's my list:

"Jeopardy!" Categories In Which I'm Pretty Sure I Could Beat Ken Jennings:

Living With Massive Debt

Science Fiction Media Of The 1980s

"Timing" And Other Reasons It Didn't Work Out

How To Apprehend Livestock

Arcane Country Bands Of The Mid-To-Late 20th Century

Acceptable Reasons For Wearing A Shirt Two Days In A Row Without Laundering It

Navigating Strange Neighborhoods While Mildly Inebriated

The Oeuvre Of Luis Guzman

A Walking Tour Of Quesadillas In The San Fernando Valley

Dave Matthews Band Lyrics (Pre-2002)

Indian Leg-Wrestling

Stand-Up Comedians Below The Cultural Radar

What It's Like To Think You're Original When Really, There Are A Ton Of Guys Just Like You

Living With Sweat

Possible Retro-Future Ramifications If Kirk Had Saved Joan Collins From Getting Hit By That Truck

Hot Pocket Flavors

[Wherein the author answers any possible/probable questions you might have. Who knows, one day I might even post the matching questions. But for now, on with the answers:]

Brown

Blue

6'2"

More than I'd like

Since I was 7

When I was 20

14

Third

Maybe someday

Possibly, but right now it sounds totally unappealing

Sandwiches

Two gallons a week, and right out of the carton

Only during the playoffs, if at all

More than 1,000

More than 40

About 200

To the right

Newcastle

Once, so far

Grimace, Ray

A few chords on the guitar

Old 97's

Probably blue

[UPDATE: Peter Lynn has taken a stab at providing the questions. His responses for Questions 2 and 4 are way off, but everything else seems to match up. Damn him. Next time I'll have to be more elusive.]