Band Names I'm Kicking Around
The Lonesome Cowboys
Demons of Consequence
Pinprick Sainthood
Bob Downey and the Iron Men
The Lapsed Protestants
Pony Boy and the Outsiders
The Real Hatfields
I'm a twentysomething white male with ambitions to be a professional film critic and generally spend my days getting paid to watch movies and write about it. I try not to think too hard about how I want to build my life around talking about other people's creations and not mine. A compulsive reader and stubborn cineaste, I take an often contrary stance to my more fundamentalist peers and upbringing by celebrating the pursuit of the good, and the Good, in life, love, art and film. If you watched enough episodes of a few TV shows ("The Hungry and the Hunted," "The Cut Man Cometh," "The Body," "The Zeppo," "Waiting in the Wings," "Out of Gas," "April is the Cruelest Month," "20 Hours in America," "Colonial Day," "An Echolls Family Christmas," and "Look Who's Stalking," for starters), you would understand me completely, and you'd also realize that much of my worldview and philosophical insights are heavily influenced by fictional works/programs, and many of the good things I've said in my life are just a regurgitation of someone else's imaginings. I guess I was made to be a film critic.
The Lonesome Cowboys
Demons of Consequence
Pinprick Sainthood
Bob Downey and the Iron Men
The Lapsed Protestants
Pony Boy and the Outsiders
The Real Hatfields
Understanding the Debt You Didn't Know You Signed Up For
Explaining Religion to Everyone Else
Coming to Grips With Your Poorly Chosen Major
Hanging Out With Women Who Won't Sleep With You, Ever, No Matter How Often You Hang Out or What Kind of On-Again-Off-Again Thing You Delude Yourself Into Thinking Exists: Practicum
Nailing Those Really Quick Green-Orange Jumps on the Hard Setting of "Rock Band"
Paying Your Dues: Economic Lessons in Why That Dream Job Won't Happen Until You're Too Old to Like It
Girls Gone Wild: Looking For a Father Figure
Girls Gone Wild: Strippers, But What Do You Care
Girls Gone Wild: Narrowly Avoiding Date Rape
Girls Gone Wild: How To Maximize Your Tax Refund
Girls Gone Wild: What If They Just Stayed Clothed
Girls Gone Wild Re-Enact Classic Episodes of "MASH"
Girls Gone Wild: Cage Match to the Death
Girls Gone Wild Just Stare at You and Make You Think About What You're Doing
1. Sometimes I pretend to like movies or books that I don't actually like that much just to get along with people. I figure, I know I'm right, so why start trouble.
2. If someone asked me to be in their barbershop group, I would probably say yes.
3. I don't have that much food in the house. I mostly live on sandwiches.
4. No matter where I go or what I do, or how my musical tastes temper themselves over the years, I'm pretty much always gonna like George Strait.
5. Sometimes I say I've seen a movie that I haven't just to fit into the conversation.
6. I quietly judge people based on what they say or do, and if I write someone off as the kind of former-jock-future-CPA character I can't seem to erase from my mind's central casting department, I will usually feel superior as long as I know them. It doesn't happen often, but when it does only large-scale revelations can reverse this. I know it's not good, but at the same time, I don't quite mind doing it.
7. I don't like wine. I feel this is one of those obstacles to adulthood I will never overcome: Eventually, everyone starts drinking wine and eating hummus and developing strong opinions about the housing market. But really, I'd rather just order a Newcastle and talk about TV.
8. I'm starting to think I picked the wrong major for someone who wants to be well-compensated for their talents.
9. Fried rice, orange chicken, and a chicken egg roll. Almost every time.
10. I hate cars. They're just these big damn worthless things that break constantly, and you have to take it everywhere you go. I just want to get from here to there.
Because I enjoy seeing what search terms led people to this site, and because I keep forgetting to check, and because John recently reminded me just how bizarre this can be — I present a list of searched phrases that, for whatever reason, brought people to this blog. Enjoy:
"if i say i am an oil man"
"cowboy sayings"
"cowboy sayings about life"
"bald and beards"
"whatever doesn't kill you makesyou stranger"
"if i say that i am an oilman"
"stardust, yvaine, blue dress"
"how do i know if i'm going bald"
"dharma rambaldi"
"slowly going bald"
"if i say i'm an oil man, you will agree"
I stole this idea from McSweeney's, but was actually inspired to steal it after seeing that Bells On also stole it. Plus, when you think about it, when's the last time McSweeney's was so consistently amazing you would feel bad stealing from them? They started out all Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, but have totally slid down into IV. Anyway, here's my list:
"Jeopardy!" Categories In Which I'm Pretty Sure I Could Beat Ken Jennings:
Living With Massive Debt
Science Fiction Media Of The 1980s
"Timing" And Other Reasons It Didn't Work Out
How To Apprehend Livestock
Arcane Country Bands Of The Mid-To-Late 20th Century
Acceptable Reasons For Wearing A Shirt Two Days In A Row Without Laundering It
Navigating Strange Neighborhoods While Mildly Inebriated
The Oeuvre Of Luis Guzman
A Walking Tour Of Quesadillas In The San Fernando Valley
Dave Matthews Band Lyrics (Pre-2002)
Indian Leg-Wrestling
Stand-Up Comedians Below The Cultural Radar
What It's Like To Think You're Original When Really, There Are A Ton Of Guys Just Like You
Living With Sweat
Possible Retro-Future Ramifications If Kirk Had Saved Joan Collins From Getting Hit By That Truck
Hot Pocket Flavors
[Wherein the author answers any possible/probable questions you might have. Who knows, one day I might even post the matching questions. But for now, on with the answers:]
Brown
Blue
6'2"
More than I'd like
Since I was 7
When I was 20
14
Third
Maybe someday
Possibly, but right now it sounds totally unappealing
Sandwiches
Two gallons a week, and right out of the carton
Only during the playoffs, if at all
More than 1,000
More than 40
About 200
To the right
Newcastle
Once, so far
Grimace, Ray
A few chords on the guitar
Old 97's
Probably blue
[UPDATE: Peter Lynn has taken a stab at providing the questions. His responses for Questions 2 and 4 are way off, but everything else seems to match up. Damn him. Next time I'll have to be more elusive.]
Questions? Comments? Complaints?
Drop 'em in the mailbag.
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"The critic is the only independent source of information. The rest is advertising."
— Pauline Kael
"Film lovers are sick people."
— Francois Truffaut
"I hope I strike a blow for chubby bald men everywhere. I hope they rise like an army."
— Paul Giamatti, quoted in the Los Angeles Times, 12/14/04
"Let others praise ancient times, I am glad I was born in these."
— Ovid
Remembering speechlessly we seek the great forgotten language, the lost lane-end into heaven, a stone, a leaf, an unfound door. Where? When?
O lost, and by the wind grieved, ghost, come back again.
— Look Homeward, Angel, Thomas Wolfe
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives.
— John Stuart Mill
We are all under the same mental calamity; we have all forgotten our names. We have all forgotten what we really are. All that we call common sense and rationality and practicality and positivism only means that for certain dead levels of our life we forget that we have forgotten. All that we call spirit and art and ecstasy only means that for one awful instant we remember that we forget.
— G.K. Chesterton
We were, for the briefest of moments, something greater than the sum of our uncertain parts; we were youth itself, in all its painful glory and sharp joy.
— Me, Fall 2003
Los Angeles, give me some of you! Los Angeles come to me the way I came to you, my feet over your streets, you pretty town I loved you so much, you sad flower in the sand, you pretty town.
— Ask the Dust, John Fante