Slowly Going Bald

The Lonesome Cowboys

Demons of Consequence

Pinprick Sainthood

Bob Downey and the Iron Men

The Lapsed Protestants

Pony Boy and the Outsiders

The Real Hatfields

Understanding the Debt You Didn't Know You Signed Up For

Explaining Religion to Everyone Else

Coming to Grips With Your Poorly Chosen Major

Hanging Out With Women Who Won't Sleep With You, Ever, No Matter How Often You Hang Out or What Kind of On-Again-Off-Again Thing You Delude Yourself Into Thinking Exists: Practicum

Nailing Those Really Quick Green-Orange Jumps on the Hard Setting of "Rock Band"

Paying Your Dues: Economic Lessons in Why That Dream Job Won't Happen Until You're Too Old to Like It

Girls Gone Wild: Looking For a Father Figure

Girls Gone Wild Just Stare at You and Make You Think About What You're Doing

1. Sometimes I pretend to like movies or books that I don't actually like that much just to get along with people. I figure, I know I'm right, so why start trouble.

2. If someone asked me to be in their barbershop group, I would probably say yes.

3. I don't have that much food in the house. I mostly live on sandwiches.

4. No matter where I go or what I do, or how my musical tastes temper themselves over the years, I'm pretty much always gonna like George Strait.

5. Sometimes I say I've seen a movie that I haven't just to fit into the conversation.

6. I quietly judge people based on what they say or do, and if I write someone off as the kind of former-jock-future-CPA character I can't seem to erase from my mind's central casting department, I will usually feel superior as long as I know them. It doesn't happen often, but when it does only large-scale revelations can reverse this. I know it's not good, but at the same time, I don't quite mind doing it.

7. I don't like wine. I feel this is one of those obstacles to adulthood I will never overcome: Eventually, everyone starts drinking wine and eating hummus and developing strong opinions about the housing market. But really, I'd rather just order a Newcastle and talk about TV.

8. I'm starting to think I picked the wrong major for someone who wants to be well-compensated for their talents.

9. Fried rice, orange chicken, and a chicken egg roll. Almost every time.

10. I hate cars. They're just these big damn worthless things that break constantly, and you have to take it everywhere you go. I just want to get from here to there.

Because I enjoy seeing what search terms led people to this site, and because I keep forgetting to check, and because John recently reminded me just how bizarre this can be — I present a list of searched phrases that, for whatever reason, brought people to this blog. Enjoy:

"if i say i am an oil man"

"cowboy sayings"

"cowboy sayings about life"

"bald and beards"

"whatever doesn't kill you makesyou stranger"

"if i say that i am an oilman"

"stardust, yvaine, blue dress"

"how do i know if i'm going bald"

"dharma rambaldi"

"slowly going bald"

"if i say i'm an oil man, you will agree"

I stole this idea from McSweeney's, but was actually inspired to steal it after seeing that Bells On also stole it. Plus, when you think about it, when's the last time McSweeney's was so consistently amazing you would feel bad stealing from them? They started out all Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, but have totally slid down into IV. Anyway, here's my list:

"Jeopardy!" Categories In Which I'm Pretty Sure I Could Beat Ken Jennings:

Living With Massive Debt

Science Fiction Media Of The 1980s

"Timing" And Other Reasons It Didn't Work Out

How To Apprehend Livestock

Arcane Country Bands Of The Mid-To-Late 20th Century

Acceptable Reasons For Wearing A Shirt Two Days In A Row Without Laundering It

Navigating Strange Neighborhoods While Mildly Inebriated

The Oeuvre Of Luis Guzman

A Walking Tour Of Quesadillas In The San Fernando Valley

Dave Matthews Band Lyrics (Pre-2002)

Indian Leg-Wrestling

Stand-Up Comedians Below The Cultural Radar

What It's Like To Think You're Original When Really, There Are A Ton Of Guys Just Like You

Living With Sweat

Possible Retro-Future Ramifications If Kirk Had Saved Joan Collins From Getting Hit By That Truck

Hot Pocket Flavors

[Wherein the author answers any possible/probable questions you might have. Who knows, one day I might even post the matching questions. But for now, on with the answers:]

Brown

Blue

6'2"

More than I'd like

Since I was 7

When I was 20

14

Third

Maybe someday

Possibly, but right now it sounds totally unappealing

Sandwiches

Two gallons a week, and right out of the carton

Only during the playoffs, if at all

More than 1,000

More than 40

About 200

To the right

Newcastle

Once, so far

Grimace, Ray

A few chords on the guitar

Old 97's

Probably blue

[UPDATE: Peter Lynn has taken a stab at providing the questions. His responses for Questions 2 and 4 are way off, but everything else seems to match up. Damn him. Next time I'll have to be more elusive.]