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Dan Carlson
Houston, Texas

I'm a twentysomething white male with ambitions to be a professional film critic and generally spend my days getting paid to watch movies and write about it. A compulsive reader and stubborn cineaste, I take an often contrary stance to my more fundamentalist peers and upbringing by celebrating the pursuit of the good, and the Good, in life, love, art and film. If you watched enough episodes of certain TV shows — for starters, "The Hungry and the Hunted," "The Cut Man Cometh," "The Body," "The Zeppo," "Waiting in the Wings," "Out of Gas," "April Is the Cruelest Month," "20 Hours in America," "Colonial Day," "An Echolls Family Christmas," "Look Who's Stalking," "The Garage Door," "Charlie Gets Crippled," "Wind Sprints," and "Corner Boys" — you would understand me completely, and you'd also realize that much of my worldview and philosophical insights are heavily influenced by fictional works/programs, and many of the good things I've said in my life are just a regurgitation of someone else's imaginings, or at any rate a heartfelt attempt to interpret them. I guess I was made to be a film critic.

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« April 2009 |Main| Review: "Sit Down, Shut Up" »

April 15, 2009

Subject Lines To Spam Emails I Have Recently Received

By Dan Carlson

I wish so much that I were making these up:

• You won't find even the traces of your small miserable and retarded friend in pants.
• Do you really trust her?
• Our product equals great boner plus great stamina!
• Revealing the secrets of pornstarts!
• Leading supplier of Canadian chemists in now available for you.
• Celebrate your victory in love.
• With such powers you will be able to make your woman really satisfied.
• aid your lover couch experience
• boost your belove bed adventures
• 15 Mistakes Every woman made!
• The best way to drive her crazy.
• The world's largest online health shop.
• Fill in your medication subscription.
• Break lovemaking world records
• Crazy wholesale
• hoist your sweet night event (This one is just amazing.)
• There will always be a moment in your life that can change everything, insure yourself with blue-pill!
• Lost way to her G spot?
• Want to get harder and stay up longer? We know how.

Comments: 7

Christopher

pornstarts bwahaha

Apr 15, 2009 3:22 PM

TL

I got one yesterday:

Nicole Kidman's Hairy Crotch

Not one appealing word in the entire subject.

Apr 15, 2009 3:50 PM

Hooper

i can only assume that you took every single one of them up on what they had to offer. I know i do. You should really see me hoist my sweet night events. remarkable.

Apr 15, 2009 4:34 PM

TK

It's OK if you don't want to tell me, but what is your lover couch experience?

Pornstarts is friggin' hilarious.

Apr 15, 2009 6:07 PM

Blonde Savant

Hey, can you forward me the one about Canadian chemists? I've been looking to get my hands on one of them.

Apr 15, 2009 8:21 PM

Geetch

I composed a sort of found-poem with the weird spammy comments I got on my blog. All I did was format it; everything else is verbatim. *Ahem* A Poem:

It felt sleeveless
to relubricate
my toungues intently to her boxes
and know her
socially
freakier
elegantly against my manhood,
which ached as if
it would surreptitiously
stop.
End of invader 1)haved myyyyyyyy
and I could woo
my anna kournikova
nude videos
closing undies again.
I was the intense to jubilant
my boredom and gesetzt
my campfire
in hers, she was the sarcastic
to damp my hips.

Apr 16, 2009 11:24 PM

Anna von Beaverplatz

This morning, I got one that admonished me to "heave your lover sexual times".
Did I not learn counting properly? Is sexual a number now? Maybe it's because I went to Catholic school. Also, I'm not sure I can heave my lover... he's like 6'6", 215 lbs. I'm not sure I could get the leverage needed.

Apr 20, 2009 9:10 AM

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Random Quotes

Words of Wisdom

"The critic is the only independent source of information. The rest is advertising."
— Pauline Kael

"Film lovers are sick people."
— Francois Truffaut

"I hope I strike a blow for chubby bald men everywhere. I hope they rise like an army."
— Paul Giamatti, quoted in the Los Angeles Times, 12/14/04

"Let others praise ancient times, I am glad I was born in these."
— Ovid

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Things to Know

Remembering speechlessly we seek the great forgotten language, the lost lane-end into heaven, a stone, a leaf, an unfound door. Where? When?

O lost, and by the wind grieved, ghost, come back again.
— Look Homeward, Angel, Thomas Wolfe

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives.
— John Stuart Mill

We are all under the same mental calamity; we have all forgotten our names. We have all forgotten what we really are. All that we call common sense and rationality and practicality and positivism only means that for certain dead levels of our life we forget that we have forgotten. All that we call spirit and art and ecstasy only means that for one awful instant we remember that we forget.
— G.K. Chesterton

We were, for the briefest of moments, something greater than the sum of our uncertain parts; we were youth itself, in all its painful glory and sharp joy.
— Me, Fall 2003

There is a time in the lives of most writers when they are vulnerable, when the vivid dreams and ambitions of childhood seem to pale in the harsh sunlight of what we call the real world. In short, there's a time when things can go either way.
— Stephen King

Los Angeles, give me some of you! Los Angeles come to me the way I came to you, my feet over your streets, you pretty town I loved you so much, you sad flower in the sand, you pretty town.
— Ask the Dust, John Fante