Slowly Going Bald

1. Do you have a pencil? You will need a pencil. Some people fill theirs out in pen, but then what if you change your mind in the semifinals? What then, buster? That's what I thought.

2. You need to look at the teams playing in each game and figure out which one will win.

3. For people who still need help, even though I explained everything in Step 2, listen up: Start by learning every school's mascot and win-loss record, as well as how many players are currently injured. Then throw that information away. It's clouding your judgment!

4. Instead, start by asking yourself, "What school sounds like a winner?" For instance, Gonzaga sounds like Godzilla, who, though often injured, always returned again. That means Gonzaga is strong and will come back from a seeming loss to destroy the city dwellers. Duke is Mothra.

5. If your alma mater is in the tournament, you will be tempted to root for them, but remember: No one cares where you went to school, and if you are the guy who talks about his school at the office, people hate you. So just ignore your school and pick someone else. If your school wins anyway, you'll be hailed for being objective; if they lose, your bracket advances.

6. Seriously, no one gives a shit that you went to Stanford.

7. When you're looking at your bracket, you should see little numbers next to the school names. This is the school's "seed." No one knows what these numbers mean, so you don't need to pay any attention to them.

8. Winning teams always have vowels in their names.

9. Your Final Four should have four teams. Keep in mind that these should be four different teams.

10. When in doubt, just remember: You are probably wrong.

Happy picking!