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Dan Carlson
Houston, Texas

I'm a twentysomething white male with ambitions to be a professional film critic and generally spend my days getting paid to watch movies and write about it. A compulsive reader and stubborn cineaste, I take an often contrary stance to my more fundamentalist peers and upbringing by celebrating the pursuit of the good, and the Good, in life, love, art and film. If you watched enough episodes of certain TV shows — for starters, "The Hungry and the Hunted," "The Cut Man Cometh," "The Body," "The Zeppo," "Waiting in the Wings," "Out of Gas," "April Is the Cruelest Month," "20 Hours in America," "Colonial Day," "An Echolls Family Christmas," "Look Who's Stalking," "The Garage Door," "Charlie Gets Crippled," "Wind Sprints," and "Corner Boys" — you would understand me completely, and you'd also realize that much of my worldview and philosophical insights are heavily influenced by fictional works/programs, and many of the good things I've said in my life are just a regurgitation of someone else's imaginings, or at any rate a heartfelt attempt to interpret them. I guess I was made to be a film critic.

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« I Hope He Had One Of Those Wrist-Wrests In Front Of His Keyboard |Main| Kage ... Musha? »

July 7, 2008

The Truth About John McCain

By Dan Carlson

• He made his money in dirigibles.

• He wants to win by stirring up still-potent Southern anger over losing the Civil War.

• He has his suits hand-made by "the last trustworthy Indian."

• He won his wife in a poker game with Doc Holliday.

• He plans to publish his autobiography in serialized installments in the Saturday Evening Post.

• He will make purchases with gold bars, but would prefer to use bags of salt or livestock.

• He keeps trying to help Barack Obama escape to freedom on the Underground Railroad.

Comments: 12

Peter Lynn

I thought he made his money selling pickaxes during the gold rush.

Jul 7, 2008 10:07 PM

Josiah

He's the secret leader of a Protestant sect that worships only the "Unknown God" of Acts 17, who may or may not be Jesus, Allah, Shiva, or Theodore Roosevelt.

Jul 8, 2008 5:15 AM

Dan

Peter: You're thinking of John's brother, Erasmus. Man, did that guy hate the Irish.

Josiah: It's definitely Roosevelt.

Jul 8, 2008 9:58 AM

Charley

He totally has an alibi for the night Lincoln was assassinated.

Jul 8, 2008 11:31 AM

Kevin Longrie

Mccain killed Alexander Hamilton in a duel, then blamed it on Aaron Burr.

Jul 8, 2008 1:07 PM

megbon

I heard that John McCain refused to wear a powdered wig at any point during the Continental Congress... and if you don't think that's a statement about Whitey, you're totally kidding yourself!

Jul 8, 2008 1:16 PM

Genevieve

He also looked back on Sodom and Gomorrah as they were being destroyed, but somehow escaped being turned into a pillar of salt.

Jul 8, 2008 1:31 PM

high powered attorney

Billy Zane's character from "Titanic" was loosely based on John McCain's first-person account of the events.

Jul 8, 2008 3:15 PM

Henry

Between the years 1938 and 1951, John McCain was featured prominently on the Monopoly game board.

Was kicked off the set of Cocoon for "lewd behavior."

According to sources close to the author, John McCain ghost-wrote much of Tom Wolfe's recent novel "I am Charolette Simmons."

Jul 8, 2008 4:51 PM

carisse

Haha...its funny because he's old. I cant wait to see you in 1.5 weeks!!!

Jul 8, 2008 4:56 PM

Mike R.

John McCain DID NOT sink the Titanic, or nudge Hitler into politics, or even direct Gigli. To think all of those things would be giving him WAY too much power.

He DID see Sex and the City, and thought it was "a carefree romp with four of America's most beloved whores."

Always knew he was a bad judge of character.

Jul 9, 2008 12:13 PM

Charley

"Cindy! Take a telex for me, won't you?"

Jul 11, 2008 4:26 PM

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"The critic is the only independent source of information. The rest is advertising."
— Pauline Kael

"Film lovers are sick people."
— Francois Truffaut

"I hope I strike a blow for chubby bald men everywhere. I hope they rise like an army."
— Paul Giamatti, quoted in the Los Angeles Times, 12/14/04

"Let others praise ancient times, I am glad I was born in these."
— Ovid

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the wisdom

Remembering speechlessly we seek the great forgotten language, the lost lane-end into heaven, a stone, a leaf, an unfound door. Where? When?

O lost, and by the wind grieved, ghost, come back again.
— Look Homeward, Angel, Thomas Wolfe

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives.
— John Stuart Mill

We are all under the same mental calamity; we have all forgotten our names. We have all forgotten what we really are. All that we call common sense and rationality and practicality and positivism only means that for certain dead levels of our life we forget that we have forgotten. All that we call spirit and art and ecstasy only means that for one awful instant we remember that we forget.
— G.K. Chesterton

We were, for the briefest of moments, something greater than the sum of our uncertain parts; we were youth itself, in all its painful glory and sharp joy.
— Me, Fall 2003

There is a time in the lives of most writers when they are vulnerable, when the vivid dreams and ambitions of childhood seem to pale in the harsh sunlight of what we call the real world. In short, there's a time when things can go either way.
— Stephen King

Los Angeles, give me some of you! Los Angeles come to me the way I came to you, my feet over your streets, you pretty town I loved you so much, you sad flower in the sand, you pretty town.
— Ask the Dust, John Fante