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Dan Carlson
Houston, Texas

I'm a twentysomething white male with ambitions to be a professional film critic and generally spend my days getting paid to watch movies and write about it. A compulsive reader and stubborn cineaste, I take an often contrary stance to my more fundamentalist peers and upbringing by celebrating the pursuit of the good, and the Good, in life, love, art and film. If you watched enough episodes of certain TV shows — for starters, "The Hungry and the Hunted," "The Cut Man Cometh," "The Body," "The Zeppo," "Waiting in the Wings," "Out of Gas," "April Is the Cruelest Month," "20 Hours in America," "Colonial Day," "An Echolls Family Christmas," "Look Who's Stalking," "The Garage Door," "Charlie Gets Crippled," "Wind Sprints," and "Corner Boys" — you would understand me completely, and you'd also realize that much of my worldview and philosophical insights are heavily influenced by fictional works/programs, and many of the good things I've said in my life are just a regurgitation of someone else's imaginings, or at any rate a heartfelt attempt to interpret them. I guess I was made to be a film critic.

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« He Never Said Anything About Covering Old Celine Dion Songs, Though |Main| I'm Holding Out For Stephen Colbert's Examination Of Wittgenstein »

March 31, 2008

This Is What We Talk About: Excerpts From Online Transcripts

By Dan Carlson

Sis: ok, a photog just came by and said that he read that the guy from "Weird Science" who wasn't Anthony Michael Hall is now a professor of literature at Angelo State. i told him we should do a story on him. and then i started saying "crazy? insane? insane? crazy?"
me: hahaha
man, i wanna meet that guy
Sis: seriously

______________

me: earlier, my boss asked GTHM to help set up her dvd player. but guess what — IT'S A VCR
i have no idea how this escaped my boss' notice
but it did
Sis: hahahahahaha
that's so awesome
me: yep
her lack of technological know-how is astounding

______________

Roommate: man, i was just thinking how great 80s TV shows were...the fall guy, magnum pi, chips, airwolf, knight rider, dukes of hazzard
simon and simon to a lesser extent
me: Airwolf was awesome
Roommate: jake and the fatman sucked
plus i think all of the shows were on in the afternoon when i got home from school
none of this wait till 9pm at night BS
me: you should travel back in time
Roommate: i've been trying all morning...damn machine doesn't work
i must have crossed the circuitry somehow
me: did you put in a quarter?
there's your problem
Roommate: no change machine
me: damn
Roommate: only takes singles

______________

Roommate: ok, the guy here at work said the movie with kristen bell was pulse...so iduno...never saw it
me: me either
i mean, i could find this out in like 2 seconds w/ google
but my ass would get fired
Roommate: i just looked it up on imdb...said it was pg13...so iduno
me: yeah
your coworker is nuts
Roommate: i doubt topless...sounded more like a quick skin flash while in a tub
me: pssht
Roommate: lol
no pleasing you...even hearing that i was kind of excited for you
me: haha
thanks man
i'm not saying i'm not pleased by the idea. i just think that with my level of love for kristen bell, i would've heard the news
Roommate: well, by your reaction...i think you're gay
me: well, i do love cock

______________

Sis: i'm watching pretty in pink
me: james spader is a badass in white pants
Sis: and wicker shoes with no socks
me: BAD
ASS
Sis: it's true
i don't get why people are so mean to duckie, though
i don't remember there being nerds like that getting hit in the halls and pushed into bathrooms. maybe because i'm a girl
me: yeah, nerd hazing is more typically confined to locker rooms or sporting arenas
then again, it is john hughes
Sis: yeah
james is on!
me: you could never mention this again and call me up in 20 years and say, "hey, what do you think of spader in Pretty in Pink?" and i would say "BADASS IN WHITE PANTS"
it is an eternal truth
Sis: haha
it's so true
Blaine?! that's not a name, that's a major appliance
sorry
man, i need sleep
me: what kind of appliance is blaine?
THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE JOHN

Comments: 1

oakling

Hold the phone. Not only did she confuse a DVD with a VCR, but she is JUST NOW GETTING AND SETTING UP A VCR? Does she cook by rubbing two sticks together until they become mildly warmer?

Mar 31, 2008 1:04 PM

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"The critic is the only independent source of information. The rest is advertising."
— Pauline Kael

"Film lovers are sick people."
— Francois Truffaut

"I hope I strike a blow for chubby bald men everywhere. I hope they rise like an army."
— Paul Giamatti, quoted in the Los Angeles Times, 12/14/04

"Let others praise ancient times, I am glad I was born in these."
— Ovid

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the wisdom

Remembering speechlessly we seek the great forgotten language, the lost lane-end into heaven, a stone, a leaf, an unfound door. Where? When?

O lost, and by the wind grieved, ghost, come back again.
— Look Homeward, Angel, Thomas Wolfe

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives.
— John Stuart Mill

We are all under the same mental calamity; we have all forgotten our names. We have all forgotten what we really are. All that we call common sense and rationality and practicality and positivism only means that for certain dead levels of our life we forget that we have forgotten. All that we call spirit and art and ecstasy only means that for one awful instant we remember that we forget.
— G.K. Chesterton

We were, for the briefest of moments, something greater than the sum of our uncertain parts; we were youth itself, in all its painful glory and sharp joy.
— Me, Fall 2003

There is a time in the lives of most writers when they are vulnerable, when the vivid dreams and ambitions of childhood seem to pale in the harsh sunlight of what we call the real world. In short, there's a time when things can go either way.
— Stephen King

Los Angeles, give me some of you! Los Angeles come to me the way I came to you, my feet over your streets, you pretty town I loved you so much, you sad flower in the sand, you pretty town.
— Ask the Dust, John Fante