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Dan Carlson
Houston, Texas

I'm a twentysomething white male with ambitions to be a professional film critic and generally spend my days getting paid to watch movies and write about it. A compulsive reader and stubborn cineaste, I take an often contrary stance to my more fundamentalist peers and upbringing by celebrating the pursuit of the good, and the Good, in life, love, art and film. If you watched enough episodes of certain TV shows — for starters, "The Hungry and the Hunted," "The Cut Man Cometh," "The Body," "The Zeppo," "Waiting in the Wings," "Out of Gas," "April Is the Cruelest Month," "20 Hours in America," "Colonial Day," "An Echolls Family Christmas," "Look Who's Stalking," "The Garage Door," "Charlie Gets Crippled," "Wind Sprints," and "Corner Boys" — you would understand me completely, and you'd also realize that much of my worldview and philosophical insights are heavily influenced by fictional works/programs, and many of the good things I've said in my life are just a regurgitation of someone else's imaginings, or at any rate a heartfelt attempt to interpret them. I guess I was made to be a film critic.

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August 20, 2007

Rejected Dwarves From Snow White

By Dan Carlson

Croupy

Scabby

Sweaty

Passive Agressivey

Crackheady

Ugly

Rapey

Comments: 11

ryan English

Colostimy

Itchy

Bloated-y

Aug 20, 2007 1:26 PM

Kevin Longrie

Gropey

Druggy

Nercophiliy

Aug 20, 2007 1:49 PM

Blonde Savant

Ragey

Tweakery (or is this covered by Crackheady? Where I come from Tweakers and Crackheads are different.)

Beastiality

Aug 20, 2007 2:02 PM

Manny

You forgot:

Douchey
Snarky
Bitchy
and Cock

Aug 20, 2007 3:29 PM

Brian

Cheney

Aug 20, 2007 5:51 PM

CineManiac

Itchy
Warty
Pussy
Crotchy
and
MotherFucker

Aug 22, 2007 2:13 PM

Julie

Hee. +1 to Brian.

Swamp-assy
Anal-leaky
Cokey
Speculum

Aug 24, 2007 9:58 AM

Rachael

Rapey. Rapey. I just spit out my beer all over my laptop, thanks.

Aug 30, 2007 6:08 PM

crotchy

As long as my lady an`t bald up there I could`nt care a prissy.

Dec 3, 2007 5:40 AM

crotchy

As long as my lady an`t bald up there I could`nt care a prissy.

Dec 3, 2007 5:40 AM

crothy

As long as my lady an`t bald up there I couldn`t care a prissy

Dec 3, 2007 5:42 AM

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The Lines

The Quotes

"The critic is the only independent source of information. The rest is advertising."
— Pauline Kael

"Film lovers are sick people."
— Francois Truffaut

"I hope I strike a blow for chubby bald men everywhere. I hope they rise like an army."
— Paul Giamatti, quoted in the Los Angeles Times, 12/14/04

"Let others praise ancient times, I am glad I was born in these."
— Ovid

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the wisdom

Remembering speechlessly we seek the great forgotten language, the lost lane-end into heaven, a stone, a leaf, an unfound door. Where? When?

O lost, and by the wind grieved, ghost, come back again.
— Look Homeward, Angel, Thomas Wolfe

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives.
— John Stuart Mill

We are all under the same mental calamity; we have all forgotten our names. We have all forgotten what we really are. All that we call common sense and rationality and practicality and positivism only means that for certain dead levels of our life we forget that we have forgotten. All that we call spirit and art and ecstasy only means that for one awful instant we remember that we forget.
— G.K. Chesterton

We were, for the briefest of moments, something greater than the sum of our uncertain parts; we were youth itself, in all its painful glory and sharp joy.
— Me, Fall 2003

There is a time in the lives of most writers when they are vulnerable, when the vivid dreams and ambitions of childhood seem to pale in the harsh sunlight of what we call the real world. In short, there's a time when things can go either way.
— Stephen King

Los Angeles, give me some of you! Los Angeles come to me the way I came to you, my feet over your streets, you pretty town I loved you so much, you sad flower in the sand, you pretty town.
— Ask the Dust, John Fante