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Dan Carlson
Houston, Texas

I'm a twentysomething white male with ambitions to be a professional film critic and generally spend my days getting paid to watch movies and write about it. A compulsive reader and stubborn cineaste, I take an often contrary stance to my more fundamentalist peers and upbringing by celebrating the pursuit of the good, and the Good, in life, love, art and film. If you watched enough episodes of certain TV shows — for starters, "The Hungry and the Hunted," "The Cut Man Cometh," "The Body," "The Zeppo," "Waiting in the Wings," "Out of Gas," "April Is the Cruelest Month," "20 Hours in America," "Colonial Day," "An Echolls Family Christmas," "Look Who's Stalking," "The Garage Door," "Charlie Gets Crippled," "Wind Sprints," and "Corner Boys" — you would understand me completely, and you'd also realize that much of my worldview and philosophical insights are heavily influenced by fictional works/programs, and many of the good things I've said in my life are just a regurgitation of someone else's imaginings, or at any rate a heartfelt attempt to interpret them. I guess I was made to be a film critic.

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August 21, 2007

Plus It's Really Hot, And There Are Bugs: An Online Transcript

By Dan Carlson

Sis: i was telling co-workers about our pancake diner
they think it's cool
and that we should open it here
but i said the chances of getting you to come back to abilene are slim
me: tell them the chances of me moving to abilene are slim to none, and none just punched slim in the nuts
me: if i won the lottery and my wife heidi klum wanted to move to abilene just so we could have sex beneath the tower of light during watermelons at GSP pledging — i would probably not go
Sis: hahahahaha
holy crap
so that's settled then
it'll be in cali
or austin
me: austin works
just not abilene
Sis: right
me: if my wife kristen bell wanted to move to abilene so she could wear a sandwich-board everyday that said "i will bear all of dan carlson's children, for his love is my sustenance and his body my joy," and if i was given a job as president of acu and allowed to turn the admin building into a house/fort/waterslide — i would probably not go

Comments: 5

Scott

Excellent stuff. I can't stop laughing. Also, we want to marry the same people so that's pretty cool.

Aug 22, 2007 7:52 AM

CineManiac

First of all, no matter what Kristin Bell says you say "Yes, dear" even if it means going back to Abilene.
Other than that there's no possible way that any sane person would live there.
In other notes, my older brother is moving to Abilene once he finishes his residence next June.

Aug 22, 2007 3:28 PM

Constance

I think you splashed on just a little too much obsession for dorks:)

Aug 22, 2007 7:47 PM

GKB

Ouch.

You lucky few who have made it "Out" should really be more kind to those of us stuck here...

Aug 23, 2007 2:27 PM

Jon

If my wife, Audrey Tatou, asked for me to take her to Abilene so she could see where I went to college, I would say, "Sure, just let me finish this book."

Then I would spend the night weeping, knowing that my impending suicide would mean I would never find out how Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell ended.

I actually made a contract, forcing a promise from Dan Barcroft, as I was leaving Abilene, that if I ever set foot in that town again, he was to kick me in the balls as hard as he could.

My cousin is a man of his word.

-Jon.

Sep 24, 2007 1:55 AM

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"The critic is the only independent source of information. The rest is advertising."
— Pauline Kael

"Film lovers are sick people."
— Francois Truffaut

"I hope I strike a blow for chubby bald men everywhere. I hope they rise like an army."
— Paul Giamatti, quoted in the Los Angeles Times, 12/14/04

"Let others praise ancient times, I am glad I was born in these."
— Ovid

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Remembering speechlessly we seek the great forgotten language, the lost lane-end into heaven, a stone, a leaf, an unfound door. Where? When?

O lost, and by the wind grieved, ghost, come back again.
— Look Homeward, Angel, Thomas Wolfe

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives.
— John Stuart Mill

We are all under the same mental calamity; we have all forgotten our names. We have all forgotten what we really are. All that we call common sense and rationality and practicality and positivism only means that for certain dead levels of our life we forget that we have forgotten. All that we call spirit and art and ecstasy only means that for one awful instant we remember that we forget.
— G.K. Chesterton

We were, for the briefest of moments, something greater than the sum of our uncertain parts; we were youth itself, in all its painful glory and sharp joy.
— Me, Fall 2003

There is a time in the lives of most writers when they are vulnerable, when the vivid dreams and ambitions of childhood seem to pale in the harsh sunlight of what we call the real world. In short, there's a time when things can go either way.
— Stephen King

Los Angeles, give me some of you! Los Angeles come to me the way I came to you, my feet over your streets, you pretty town I loved you so much, you sad flower in the sand, you pretty town.
— Ask the Dust, John Fante