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Dan Carlson
Los Angeles, California

I'm a twentysomething white male with ambitions to be a professional film critic and generally spend my days getting paid to watch movies and write about it. I try not to think too hard about how I want to build my life around talking about other people's creations and not mine. A compulsive reader and stubborn cineaste, I take an often contrary stance to my more fundamentalist peers and upbringing by celebrating the pursuit of the good, and the Good, in life, love, art and film. If you watched enough episodes of a few TV shows ("The Hungry and the Hunted," "The Cut Man Cometh," "The Body," "The Zeppo," "Waiting in the Wings," "Out of Gas," "April is the Cruelest Month," "20 Hours in America," "Colonial Day," "An Echolls Family Christmas," and "Look Who's Stalking," for starters), you would understand me completely, and you'd also realize that much of my worldview and philosophical insights are heavily influenced by fictional works/programs, and many of the good things I've said in my life are just a regurgitation of someone else's imaginings. I guess I was made to be a film critic.

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August 30, 2007

In Which My Sister Reveals To Me Universal Truths About Mormons: An Online Transcript

By Dan Carlson

me: so, mitt romney: very creepy or just regular creepy?
Sis: very creepy
me: hmm
i was gonna just go with "regular creepy"
explain
Sis: he's a robot
robots = very creepy
the end
me: well, when you're right, you're right
follow-up: are all mormons robots, or just ones as high-profile as romney?
Sis: hmm, that's a tricky one
while i do believe they are genetically mutated beings (guess what the secret underwear is hiding!), i don't think they're all robots. If they were, they likely would have been more persuasive in converting the non-robots who just want to watch TV in their home without having a pimply-faced 17-year-old in a tie and bike helmet hand them a tract after dinner. Romney is clearly good at fooling people (frakking toasters!), so he's clearly a robot.
me: good point
so, did the regular mutant mormons build the robot mormons? or did the robot mormons create a special mutated kind of human mormon?
i only ask because you seem well-versed in their history
Sis: how perceptive you are!
you're right on both counts
Sis: the regular mutant mormons built robot mormons when their numbers were dwindling -- that whole polygamy thing backfired -- and in turn, those robot mormons used their impressive corporate connections (romney) to breed special mutated robot-human mormons. how else can you explain romney leading the iowa polls? it's just not humanly possible for a mormon to be that accepted by the whitest state in the union. the key word being human. he's got tricks up his sleeves, that robot-human.
me: i had no idea
Sis: sadly, few do

Comments: 2

gunter

so.....GTHM*
(a) a robot
(b) a mutated mormon
(c) special mutated robot-human
(d) hot, so exempted from being even considered as one of the above

* I'm guessing Greta The Hot Mormon

Aug 30, 2007 11:44 AM

Kevin Longrie

So what happens to Mormons when they hear "All Along the Watchtower?"

Aug 31, 2007 1:03 AM

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Remembering speechlessly we seek the great forgotten language, the lost lane-end into heaven, a stone, a leaf, an unfound door. Where? When?

O lost, and by the wind grieved, ghost, come back again.
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