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Dan Carlson
Houston, Texas

I'm a twentysomething white male with ambitions to be a professional film critic and generally spend my days getting paid to watch movies and write about it. A compulsive reader and stubborn cineaste, I take an often contrary stance to my more fundamentalist peers and upbringing by celebrating the pursuit of the good, and the Good, in life, love, art and film. If you watched enough episodes of certain TV shows — for starters, "The Hungry and the Hunted," "The Cut Man Cometh," "The Body," "The Zeppo," "Waiting in the Wings," "Out of Gas," "April Is the Cruelest Month," "20 Hours in America," "Colonial Day," "An Echolls Family Christmas," "Look Who's Stalking," "The Garage Door," "Charlie Gets Crippled," "Wind Sprints," and "Corner Boys" — you would understand me completely, and you'd also realize that much of my worldview and philosophical insights are heavily influenced by fictional works/programs, and many of the good things I've said in my life are just a regurgitation of someone else's imaginings, or at any rate a heartfelt attempt to interpret them. I guess I was made to be a film critic.

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« Possible Titles For Scott Stapp's Autobiography That Would Make Me Read The Book |Main| Y: Because It's Awesome »

August 6, 2007

In Which My Sister Dangerously Encourages Me To Act Out My Weirdest Fantasies: An Online Transcript

By Dan Carlson

me: GTHM1 just walked by
i would read the entire book of first nephi for her
i would wear black slacks and avoid all carbonated drinks just for her
i would bike from door to door in a poor attempt to convert people just for GTHM
Sis: wow
isn't GTHM taken?
me: by a skinny hip rock star, yes
but is he willing to wear the chafing underwear? will he make the yearly pilgrimage to salt lake?
because i will
I WILL
Sis: haha
tell her that
me: i will
Sis: and then launch into "Take My Breath Away"
me: watching in slow motion as you turn to me and saaaaaaaaay
...my love...
TAKE MY BREATH AWAAAAAAAAAAAY
i will do it
today's the day i let berlin do my talking for me
Sis: what a glorious day

1. GTHM is the colloquialism I have bestowed on a female coworker, G——, who is a practicing member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and so cute I could puke. You can assemble the acronym yourself.

Comments: 8

GKB

I love these little chats. Makes mine seem mundane...

Aug 6, 2007 7:06 PM

Josie

GTHM? Gina the hot momma?

Aug 7, 2007 6:04 AM

Kevin Longrie

Galadriel the Hot Mormon

Yeah, that's right, mormons were originally elves.

Aug 7, 2007 10:58 AM

Lauren

Got The Holy Mother?

Aug 8, 2007 10:26 AM

Vermillion

Your sister is wrong for encouraging the singing of Berlin. Just wrong.

Aug 8, 2007 12:59 PM

Bianca Reagan

I wish I still had crushes like that. However, I'd have to think long and hard before crushing on a Mormon. They're just weird.

Aug 8, 2007 8:33 PM

Colby

I laugh only because my brother does the exact same thing to me, but on a way more humiliating level.
Aren't siblings great!

Aug 10, 2007 8:47 PM

Kyle

At least if it works out you could get your own planet out of the deal. Sweet.

(Girl That Heals Mono?)

Aug 16, 2007 8:55 PM

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"The critic is the only independent source of information. The rest is advertising."
— Pauline Kael

"Film lovers are sick people."
— Francois Truffaut

"I hope I strike a blow for chubby bald men everywhere. I hope they rise like an army."
— Paul Giamatti, quoted in the Los Angeles Times, 12/14/04

"Let others praise ancient times, I am glad I was born in these."
— Ovid

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the wisdom

Remembering speechlessly we seek the great forgotten language, the lost lane-end into heaven, a stone, a leaf, an unfound door. Where? When?

O lost, and by the wind grieved, ghost, come back again.
— Look Homeward, Angel, Thomas Wolfe

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives.
— John Stuart Mill

We are all under the same mental calamity; we have all forgotten our names. We have all forgotten what we really are. All that we call common sense and rationality and practicality and positivism only means that for certain dead levels of our life we forget that we have forgotten. All that we call spirit and art and ecstasy only means that for one awful instant we remember that we forget.
— G.K. Chesterton

We were, for the briefest of moments, something greater than the sum of our uncertain parts; we were youth itself, in all its painful glory and sharp joy.
— Me, Fall 2003

There is a time in the lives of most writers when they are vulnerable, when the vivid dreams and ambitions of childhood seem to pale in the harsh sunlight of what we call the real world. In short, there's a time when things can go either way.
— Stephen King

Los Angeles, give me some of you! Los Angeles come to me the way I came to you, my feet over your streets, you pretty town I loved you so much, you sad flower in the sand, you pretty town.
— Ask the Dust, John Fante