20 Things I Hate About Old Man T——, My Coworker
1. He falls asleep at his desk at least once a day.
2. He consistently shows up late.
3. He does almost no work before 5 p.m.
4. He does one minor task between 5 p.m. and whenever he stumbles home, usually around 8 p.m.
5. He manages to screw up that one minor task at least three times a week.
6. He yells at everyone.
7. He ignores suggestions of help and insists that he's always right.
8. He once ate a kitten right in front of me.
9. He doesn't wear socks.
10. He shows a grasp of newsworthiness that could be described as cavalier at best.
11. He occupies a chair that could be filled by someone much younger and more talented.
12. He thinks that old age equates with skill, and that tenure implies the right to underperform.
13. He constantly whistles, and it's always something tuneless and scattered.
14. He creates errors where there were none and doesn't fix the errors he should be fixing.
15. He is apparently clinically incapable of pronouncing a "th-" sound, instead saying things like "dis" and "dat," though whether this is some obscure nod to the jazz culture he claims to have once been a part or whether it's just senility is beyond my ability to say.
16. He takes several personal calls a day, usually to walk his even more addle-minded wife through tech support.
17. He shows no remorse about his complete inability to execute his job with even a fraction of the quality that would be required of someone his junior. That's ageism: Protecting the jobs of the elderly out of guilt and supposed obligation while shunning the more talented but younger workers desperate for a chance.
18. He farts. A lot. I wish I was making that up.
19. He constantly mutters, sighs, and talks to himself in his own little gibberish language. Sometimes he'll answer the phone with the greeting, "News things."
20. He won't die.
Comments: 12
Old people, man. Creed on the office, I can't help but describe him as only creepy. That's the only word i can find. It's just...ahh.
It's more about "aware" than "old". He could die and be replaced by some fucking idiot who is younger than you. There are a lot of people out there, regardless of age, who aren't open and honest, think that they're always right, have a poor work ethic, feel entitled to more than other people, and fart. In fact, this describes everyone of us sometimes. At least this guy is a) funny ("news things"? come on!) and b) won't be around for much longer, relatively. You'll still be bitching about coworkers when he's pushing daisies.
you should see if oyu can out-gibberish him sometime. Start a conversation, adn make at least 2 words in teh sentence completely made up. Then go to 3, then 4, then the whole sentence. See how long he talks. Time it.
Guh, I've got one of them -- only she's a bitter old lady who lives alone with cats. She was also the predecessor to my current position and scornfully regards my capability for the job with an infinite degree of jealousy and loathing.
She was also the first one to interview me, and asked me if I knew how to use a scanner. Like a regular old flatbed scanner. I thought it was a trick question and panicked -- but here it was all because she didn't know how to use one, and instead shopped scanning duties to a fucking freelancer. Unbelievable.
Now for 20, do you want this to be resolved while he is in the office?
Re: #19... Isn't this blog your own little world of jibberish??? Aren't you simply propagating your brand of agism?!?!? You cold, heartless bastard!
was the cat at least skinned? i would think that'd be hard to chew otherwise.
I dunno man, you kinda come off like the stereotypical whiny Gen Xer with an axe to grind against The Man.
Everything you do now, he once had to do harder and the long way, without the modern conveniences, shortcuts, and education you have.
And look on the bright side: Younger douchebags? FAR more elitist and prone to severe entitlement issues that they don't mind being actively jerkhole about on a regular basis.
hoorah:
I'm actually the older edge of Gen Y (or whatever), and not a "whiny Gen Xer with an axe to grind against The Man." What does that even mean? The Man is the one that gave me the job, so I can't have too big a problem with him. My beef is that my ancient coworker is no longer performing at even subpar levels; are you saying that his shitty work should be excused simply because he's old? How is that fair to the company, or to me?
So fucking what if he once had to do everything the long way? Now it's time to do things the shorter way. Where are we supposed to draw the line between respecting tenure and turning a blind eye to incompetence and an unwillingness to learn anything new?
I am a whiny Gen Xer, which is entirely irrelevant to this comment. But, I can't get past #9. I've been wondering about his aging, naked feet since you originally posted this. I am weirded out. Can you elaborate on his footwear choices? I'm picturing him in business-appropriate shoes without socks, which would be both uncomfortable for the wearer and discomfiting for those around him.
Or maybe he's just wearing sandals to work, which carries its own baggage.
I am haunted by images of these aging, naked feet.
I'm sitting in class reading this and had to work very hard not to laugh out loud at:
"Sometimes he'll answer the phone with the greeting, "News things."
Simply Brilliant
I'm going to start answering my phone that way. Call me, you'll see.
I always thought that the basic premise of Soylent Green made sense. An agreed upon expiration date and a nice death. It could even be modified to solve our dependence on fossil fuels. Instead of making food out of the elderly, why not process them into some sort of bio-diesel?
Aug 13, 2007 9:24 PM