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Dan Carlson
Los Angeles, California

I'm a twentysomething white male with ambitions to be a professional film critic and generally spend my days getting paid to watch movies and write about it. A compulsive reader and stubborn cineaste, I take an often contrary stance to my more fundamentalist peers and upbringing by celebrating the pursuit of the good, and the Good, in life, love, art and film. If you watched enough episodes of certain TV shows — for starters, "The Hungry and the Hunted," "The Cut Man Cometh," "The Body," "The Zeppo," "Waiting in the Wings," "Out of Gas," "April Is the Cruelest Month," "20 Hours in America," "Colonial Day," "An Echolls Family Christmas," "Look Who's Stalking," "The Garage Door," "Charlie Gets Crippled," "Wind Sprints," and "Corner Boys" — you would understand me completely, and you'd also realize that much of my worldview and philosophical insights are heavily influenced by fictional works/programs, and many of the good things I've said in my life are just a regurgitation of someone else's imaginings, or at any rate a heartfelt attempt to interpret them. I guess I was made to be a film critic.

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« July 2007 |Main| Let's All Learn Some Basic Typography »

July 22, 2007

Dirty Pickup Lines And Assorted Frat-ish Sexual Innuendos That Only Make Sense If You Went To My College

By Dan Carlson

• Let's go to that new place, Reservations Only ... in my pants.

• You got more ass than Walling Lecture Hall.

• You've f**ked more Siggies than Stafford loans.

• You've trimmed more bush than Physical Resources.

• You've seen more boobs than all those bastard DT babies.

• Baby, you get my Cafe all Hardwood.

• Do you wanna join my Spring Break Campaign and help me explore missionary positions?

• Hey, I've got a Tower of Light for you ... in my pants. Yeah, I said it again.

• I spent all night showing her my Sing Song face.

• She went down faster than a Kojie trying to earn a Sub-T sweatshirt.

[I think it's safe to say that my honorary doctorate will probably be delayed a bit now, and the Gutenberg thing doesn't exactly seem likely, either.]

Comments: 3

ryan English

dead on my friend, dead on

Jul 22, 2007 10:58 AM

Kevin Longrie

I love inside jokes. I hope to be a part of one someday.

Jul 22, 2007 12:57 PM

c blair

too clever my friend

Jul 23, 2007 2:04 PM

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"The critic is the only independent source of information. The rest is advertising."
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"Film lovers are sick people."
— Francois Truffaut

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Remembering speechlessly we seek the great forgotten language, the lost lane-end into heaven, a stone, a leaf, an unfound door. Where? When?

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