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Dan Carlson
Los Angeles, California

I'm a twentysomething white male with ambitions to be a professional film critic and generally spend my days getting paid to watch movies and write about it. I try not to think too hard about how I want to build my life around talking about other people's creations and not mine. A compulsive reader and stubborn cineaste, I take an often contrary stance to my more fundamentalist peers and upbringing by celebrating the pursuit of the good, and the Good, in life, love, art and film. If you watched enough episodes of a few TV shows ("The Hungry and the Hunted," "The Cut Man Cometh," "The Body," "The Zeppo," "Waiting in the Wings," "Out of Gas," "April is the Cruelest Month," "20 Hours in America," "Colonial Day," "An Echolls Family Christmas," and "Look Who's Stalking," for starters), you would understand me completely, and you'd also realize that much of my worldview and philosophical insights are heavily influenced by fictional works/programs, and many of the good things I've said in my life are just a regurgitation of someone else's imaginings. I guess I was made to be a film critic.

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« Things I Would Do If I Were On "The Real World" |Main| I'm Chief Bromden, Yes, At This Particular Moment: An Online Transcript »

December 5, 2006

Involving Frighteningly Graphic Subject Matter: An Online Transcript

By Dan Carlson

me: oh man

i'm editing a review for a reality show called My Bare Lady

about porn stars taking an acting class

and it turns out that imdb has these women in their system

AND titles

ew

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0799887/

...

Sis: man, these titles are out of control

me: Fine Ass Bitches 5

that's amazing

hehehehehehe

Invasian 2

brilliant

Sis: Grand Theft Anal 9

me: hahahaha

Sis: Party at Butts Place

hahaha

oh man

most of these titles are from this year. she's had a busy year

me: apparently so

jeez

these are amazing

Absolutely Adorable

that one's kinda cute

The Maintenance Girls

that one just sounds like a drama

Sis: how deceiving

me: yeah

like maybe you rent it b/c you like maintenance

then BAM

boobies

so confusing

Sis: haha

that's how they get ya

me: "what the ...? that's not how you fix a coolant leak. OH GOOD LORD"

Sis: hahahaha

me: they should totally make educational porn

like car repair

home building

etc.

Sis: wasn't that what they made in "The Girl Next Door"?

me: no

the lesson there was "dating a porn star is probably a bad idea"

i want the lesson to be "here's how to install drywall"

Sis: no, i thought that the porn they made at school was like that

me: oh

but that was a sex ed video

everybody already knows that

wear a condom, don't sleep with girls named after cities, etc.

i want basics of modern living

painting the dining room, roofing, auto maintenance, etc.

Sis: haha

nice

me: i think porn sales would get even bigger

"hey, i love this girl! and now i can do my own grouting and tile work!"

--------

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