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Daniel Carlson
Houston, Texas

I love movies, books, music, TV, good food, my wife, my cats, and my dog. (Not necessarily in that order.) I write about whatever's on my mind. For more, go here.

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« Must Stare At Picture |Main| Review: Superman Returns »

June 27, 2006

Possible Plot Lines For Superman Returns And Their Actual Chances Of Being In The Film

Superman complains of "totally gay" costume and trades it in for one-piece jumper, initially thought to help his mobility but which turns out to be just as gay. Superman eventually realizes this, only now it's too late to change back, since chaging the first time was such a big to-do, so he just grumps around and puts up with the jumper, which really rides up when he flies. (8%)

In a stunning personnel change, Lex Luthor hires Ned Beatty as his sidekick. (3%)

While having sex with Superman, Lois Lane dies in what could pretty accurately be called a fairly gruesome manner, a twist that both vindicates and saddens legions of Kevin Smith fans. (64%)

Superman's powers, most notably his ability to fly, are revealed to be the result of a high midichlorian count in his bloodstream. (0.4%)

In a nod to the religion of his creators, Joe Shuster and Jerry Siegel, Superman decides to get "all Jewed up" and become a hero mainly for the Orthodox residents of Metropolis. The story of how Superman flew all the Jews out of Israel becomes incorporated into the Torah. (27%)

In a dark but admittedly realistic turn of events, Superman uses his ability to travel through time to place bets on future sporting events and amass most of the country's wealth. After Superman bloodily murders the first few people who tell him this is just a blatant ripoff of Back to the Future: Part II, the people of Metropolis just give up and go with the flow. (18%)

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"The critic is the only independent source of information. The rest is advertising."
— Pauline Kael

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