Slowly Going Bald

"So … do you wanna make out?"

"Make out. Fake out. Take out. Stakeout. OHMYGOD we should get Chinese take out and watch Another Stakeout! It's so good it's bad. And so bad it's good. It's both. You'll love it. I love it. So you should love it. What kind of noodles do you want? I don't like egg rolls that much, but you can get them if you want, and I can make fun of you for eating them and call you Emilio. Or do you want to be Richard Dreyfuss? Because I'm not —"

"…"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"It doesn't look like nothing, it looks like something. Definitely has that 'something' vibe."

"It's just …"

"What?"

"Shut up, you know?"

"What do you mean? You trailed off, so I just wondered —"

"No, not then. Well, then, too, but I mean in general: Just shut up sometimes, okay?"

"Are you saying I talk too much?"

"I lack the vocabulary and energy to describe just how much you talk. It's a non-stop thing."

"But don't you think it's cute and fun and quirky? I thought you liked my quirky. Quirky's a very big thing with me, and it seems that guys like the quirky —"

"I will punch you in the mouth so hard your teeth break if you do not stop talking. Right now."

"…"

"Thanks. Wow. … Silence. So this is what everyone's been talking about."

"So what are you saying?"

"I'm saying the constant chattering is slowly killing me. And don't you ever want to do anything different? Like go out? Or, you know, if we stayed in, maybe not watch a crappy old movie or something. I mean, don't you have, you know …"

"What?"

"A bad side? Or at least a normal one? I don't know. Would it help if I wore a Santa hat or something? Would you like that?"

"Why would I like that?"

"I don't know, saw it in a movie or something. Anyway, look: The point is, you have to shut up. Or I will kill you. Your incessant blathering is driving me right up the brink of murder, and it's almost like you want to push me over the edge. So if you want to make out or something, great. But if you just want to sit around and ramble on about every damn worthless thing you saw on the drive home, then I will kill you. Or just leave you. I really don't know which anymore. I really care about you, you know, but every single thing that happens to you does not require some clumsy attempt at arcane wit. Just … shut up, you know? Shut up. That's all I'm asking."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay."

"…"

"So, do you have the Santa hat with you?"

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