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Daniel Carlson
Houston, Texas

I love movies, books, music, TV, good food, my wife, my cats, and my dog. (Not necessarily in that order.) I write about whatever's on my mind. For more, go here.

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« May 2006 |Main| July 2006 »

June 2006 Archives

June 30, 2006

If I Dated Lorelai Gilmore

"So … do you wanna make out?"

"Make out. Fake out. Take out. Stakeout. OHMYGOD we should get Chinese take out and watch Another Stakeout! It's so good it's bad. And so bad it's good. It's both. You'll love it. I love it. So you should love it. What kind of noodles do you want? I don't like egg rolls that much, but you can get them if you want, and I can make fun of you for eating them and call you Emilio. Or do you want to be Richard Dreyfuss? Because I'm not —"

"…"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"It doesn't look like nothing, it looks like something. Definitely has that 'something' vibe."

"It's just …"

"What?"

"Shut up, you know?"

"What do you mean? You trailed off, so I just wondered —"

"No, not then. Well, then, too, but I mean in general: Just shut up sometimes, okay?"

"Are you saying I talk too much?"

"I lack the vocabulary and energy to describe just how much you talk. It's a non-stop thing."

"But don't you think it's cute and fun and quirky? I thought you liked my quirky. Quirky's a very big thing with me, and it seems that guys like the quirky —"

"I will punch you in the mouth so hard your teeth break if you do not stop talking. Right now."

"…"

"Thanks. Wow. … Silence. So this is what everyone's been talking about."

"So what are you saying?"

"I'm saying the constant chattering is slowly killing me. And don't you ever want to do anything different? Like go out? Or, you know, if we stayed in, maybe not watch a crappy old movie or something. I mean, don't you have, you know …"

"What?"

"A bad side? Or at least a normal one? I don't know. Would it help if I wore a Santa hat or something? Would you like that?"

"Why would I like that?"

"I don't know, saw it in a movie or something. Anyway, look: The point is, you have to shut up. Or I will kill you. Your incessant blathering is driving me right up the brink of murder, and it's almost like you want to push me over the edge. So if you want to make out or something, great. But if you just want to sit around and ramble on about every damn worthless thing you saw on the drive home, then I will kill you. Or just leave you. I really don't know which anymore. I really care about you, you know, but every single thing that happens to you does not require some clumsy attempt at arcane wit. Just … shut up, you know? Shut up. That's all I'm asking."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay."

"…"

"So, do you have the Santa hat with you?"

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June 29, 2006

I Walk Through The Desert, Past A Lizard And A Rattlesnake / I Tip The Bottle And Bite The Lime

Action!

Horror!

Suspense!

Mutants!

C.J. sitting all alone on a park bench, weeping and mourning the brutal shooting of Secret Service agent Simon Donovan!

Okay, so the last one's a bit of a downer. But still, you should read The Pajiba trade round-up, where all the week's news comes handily condensed, not to mention with expletives and pretty pictures. Read it.


I'm officially going to have to wait something like 6 months to post my own thoughts about Dane Cook, since the TV Whore has once again knocked out a great column, this one about the hype behind the SuFi.


In response to all the e-mails I get on the subject, and in the interest of public safety, here are some facts about midgets that might come in handy.


What's that you say? You're thirsty for some bedroom poptronica? Well, eat up. I recommend the frighteningly catchy cover of "King of Wishful Thinking." You will not be disappointed. You simply will not.


I've been listening to "Fizzy Fuzzy …" for at least 8 years now, and it's still pretty amazing. The tracks mix humor and heartbreak and the heat from the Sonoran Desert, blended through a return to honest, post-grunge '90s rock with a Southwestern flavor. "Blue Collar Suicide" opens up with a high-powered punchline, but "Down Together" is timeless, and "Girly" has a punk-injected swing reminiscent of classic Uncle Tupelo tracks. I could go on, but I won't, except to say that by the time Roger Clyne belts out the final chorus in "Nada" — "There ain't no morals to these stories at all / And everything I tell you you can bet will be a lie" — the album has somehow offered a look at something deeper, more substantial, than just barreling through the desert with the top down. Sometimes that's the best way to get there.

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June 28, 2006

June 2006

District B13

Cars

Nacho Libre

Wordplay

Superman Returns

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Review: Superman Returns

Gotta admit, composed most of this in a haze:

Clickety-click.


Also of note: Before the film, I was all excited to see the 90-second teaser for Spider-Man 3, but The Grove, in what has to be the 17th thing they did to piss me off, didn't have it attached to my print. But you can behold the trailer here, in all its glory.

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June 27, 2006

Possible Plot Lines For Superman Returns And Their Actual Chances Of Being In The Film

Superman complains of "totally gay" costume and trades it in for one-piece jumper, initially thought to help his mobility but which turns out to be just as gay. Superman eventually realizes this, only now it's too late to change back, since chaging the first time was such a big to-do, so he just grumps around and puts up with the jumper, which really rides up when he flies. (8%)

In a stunning personnel change, Lex Luthor hires Ned Beatty as his sidekick. (3%)

While having sex with Superman, Lois Lane dies in what could pretty accurately be called a fairly gruesome manner, a twist that both vindicates and saddens legions of Kevin Smith fans. (64%)

Superman's powers, most notably his ability to fly, are revealed to be the result of a high midichlorian count in his bloodstream. (0.4%)

In a nod to the religion of his creators, Joe Shuster and Jerry Siegel, Superman decides to get "all Jewed up" and become a hero mainly for the Orthodox residents of Metropolis. The story of how Superman flew all the Jews out of Israel becomes incorporated into the Torah. (27%)

In a dark but admittedly realistic turn of events, Superman uses his ability to travel through time to place bets on future sporting events and amass most of the country's wealth. After Superman bloodily murders the first few people who tell him this is just a blatant ripoff of Back to the Future: Part II, the people of Metropolis just give up and go with the flow. (18%)

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Must Stare At Picture

Oh, thinly disguised ads masquerading as entertainment. I can never seem to get enough.

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June 25, 2006

Sunday Video Blowout

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June 24, 2006

Pictures On The Interwebs

First up: This looks like a pretty stupid movie, but the poster's good.

tucker

I think all movies should now be advertised via tramp stamp.


This, however, is just annoying. Here are some images from HP's new ad campaign about computers aren't mindless machines, but actually warmhearted family members that deserve love and respect and all that:

hp

And here's the front cover of Jonathan Safran Foer's Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, published in April 2005:

close

There's an even better HP ad from a recent issue of Time that features a vertical hand outline filled with quirky script, but I couldn't find it online.

In the words of Wayne Campbell: Did they think we wouldn't notice? You won't fool me, HP. You're not an earnest twentysomething author that gleefully pushes the limits of emotion via the written word. You sell printers. Learn to accept your industrialized nature.

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Review: Wordplay

As I mounted the steps to the Laemmle Sunset 5, I came upon a man wearing a black T-shirt that said "best boy" on the back. I wondered about the shirt: Was he really one of the dozens of below-the-line crewmembers that live and work here? Was he wearing it ironically? He looked to be in his late 30s, and was standing with a woman and two young girls. I noticed the box office was empty, which is when the guy turned to me and said, "I hear Wordplay's supposed to be good."

I'm a nice guy, and it was a nice day, so I figured, Why not, I'll talk to a stranger. "Yeah," I replied, "that's what I'm here to see."

He stuck out his hand. "Patrick. I'm the director."

I shook it. "Dan. I'm the ... viewer, I guess." (I like to make lame jokes when meeting professionals/famous people. It helps keep my self-image hovering low enough to keep writing. It's a long story.)

He introduced me to the woman, Christine, who produced Wordplay. We stood there for a few minutes and talked about financing, trims they'd made to the cut since it screened at Sundance, what drew them to the topic, etc. It was a nice conversation.

Just another friendly reminder that L.A. beats all hell out of wherever it is that you live. (I'm especially looking at you on this one, American South.)

Anyway:

Clickety-click.

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June 22, 2006

The News

Does anyone else remember the "Conan the Adventurer" cartoon from a few years back? Tell me I'm not making that up. I can hear the theme song and everything.

Anyway: The Pajiba trade round-up.

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Wednesdays Are Astonishing: The Clip Show

Short and sweet:

• Granted, it's been a while since I've seen Good Night, and Good Luck, but this cover seems a little misleading. Oh, those wacky Chinese pirates.

• A mind-boggling display of commitment, not to mention a little too much free time.

• This is better than the original.

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June 20, 2006

Disparate Measures

I was all set to write about the state of modern comedy, complete with Dane Cook references and outright hatred for Dat Phan, but damned if the TV Whore didn't beat me to the punch with a great column. He even likes Patton Oswalt, which means he's got better taste than you legions of "Everybody Loves Raymond" viewers. Seriously, you should read it right now.


Can you believe we've been together for two years now? I'm proud of us, babe. (I'm not counting the time we were on a break, either, since that seemed to be more the fault of DHS than of anything we did.) Cheers, darlin'.


If I ever see one of the girls from "The Hills," I'm gonna punch her right in the mouth. Who knows, maybe they'll take a field trip to the valley to mock the middle class and our crappy cars. And I'll walk right up to them and sock her right in the jaw and tell her if she ever breeds that her offspring will be a poison unto this earth, and then I'd lean in close and whisper "a poison," and then I'd turn to one of the totally ripped guys she's with and meet his dullard's gaze and ask him if he remembers the moment he consciously siigned away creativity for a chance to bed willing, idiotic blondes. It will likely be a pretty educational afternoon.


Oh, poor broke Screech.


Another awesome piece from Colbert. Additionally, this Congressman reminds me of dozens of people I knew at college.

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So Say We All: 2.0

I know it's only been a week since I talked about "Battlestar Galactica," but in that time I watched Season 2.0, the DVD set of the first half of the show's second season (the rest of it won't be out on DVD until the fall, which is an unholy and criminal thing for Universal to do, but whatever). And I'm stunned at how good it is.

Some genre background: I admit to liking "Star Trek: The Next Generation" when I was a boy, and looking back, it makes perfect sense. That show was made for boys: Effects-driven, flat characters, and a stunning lack of arc, drama, tension, direction, themes, and pretty much everything good you can ask from a TV show. It was like an interstellar version of a police procedural in its relentless sameness: Watching the pilot episode and watching one from four years later is almost the same experience. It's a shame that the show is one of the first things that springs to mind when people think of sci-fi, because in a way, it's one of the poorest examples of the genre. It's like a war film that focuses on explosions and bad characters instead of the nuanced lives of the troops. But I loved that stuff as a kid: The whiz-bang action, the fact that none of the main characters was ever for one moment in any kind of real peril, the fact that it was not only unnecessary but impossible to imagine the life experiences or emotions of the characters to have any impact on their present actions. The show was undone by its timidity in approaching its premise: It meekly went where no one really cared to go.

But when I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man (or at least a much older male), I put childish ways behind me.

"Battlestar Galactica" (again, any and all references are to the new version unless otherwise noted; as far as I'm concerned, the original show never happened) is a gut-wrenching, adult drama with a political, spiritual, and emotional resonance too rarely seen on TV. The show packed more drama, tension, and heartbreak into the first 10 episodes of its second season than a lot of other shows do all year, or ever. A plot line that sends the fleet spiraling into possible civil war could have rightly taken up an entire season, but this show moves faster than that, and by the season's midpoint, the ragtag fleet of humans who survived the massive alien attack that began the series has been restored, only to face greater challenges.

The second season of "Battlestar Galatica" was, impossibly, even better than the first. There's a track record of truly great second seasons, and this one's up there. It heightens the drama, pushes the characters to new heights and depths, and amps up the pain big time. I'll admit, I even got a little choked up a few times. It's one of the best shows on TV right now, hands down. More than once, I thought, "Now this is what 'Lost' should be like." After all, "Lost" is a genre show, too, just heavier on mystery and woefully lighter on character. But whereas the entire point of "Lost" is to watch more "Lost" (the show is like "Twin Peaks" in that way), "Battlestar Galactica" is rewarding for its growth, change, and progress.

Granted, the show's dialogue is nothing stellar. It lacks the punch or inherent wit that are hallmarks of other great modern showrunners. But neither is the dialogue useless exposition focused on worthless technical jargon that sacrifices character for the sake of gee-whiz technology. It always serves to enhance and grow the characters. In one of the best signs of a good TV drama, the characters show marked change over time. People aren't the same as the were in the pilot episode, and that's a good thing.

For a futuristic show, it's also amazingly grounded in reality. The phones on the ship are wall-mounted and rely and cords; high-tech radar exists, but none of the impossible "on-screen" tech on "Next Generation"; the ships have a gritty, lived-in feel, pioneered by Ridley Scott almost 30 years ago and beautifully continued to this day; but best of all, nothing comes too easy. That's the thing that bugs me most about "Next Generation." Shot? Sick? Hungry? No need to worry, the ridiculously outfitted Enterprise, complete with sets borrowed from a mid-'90s Chevy Suburban, is here to help. Food appeared out of nowhere, diseases and wounds were healed almost instantly by the bored doctor, and those freaks has so much free time that they used a phenomenal amount of computing power to play Robin Hood with holograms. That show presented a utopian, bizarrely idealized version of the future, during which mankind has apparently decided to get together and end all war and economic dispute in the interest of exploring space in matching jumpsuits. But in the much more engaging world of "Battlestar Galactica," guns still use bullets, and people still die. The second season begins with a major character suffering a gunshot at close range, and it's a life-threatening wound. The stakes are legimate here.

The series runs deep with questions of justice, law, ethics, morality, and what it means to be human. There are fewer than 50,000 people left in the universe, and the show depicts the small society struggling to hold firm to the laws that have guided them for years, laws that have even greater meaning now that there are so few left to uphold them. After all, who's to say what's a crime? What does it mean to live in a just society? The characters in "Battlestar Galactica" are never more than a few steps from slipping over the edge. At one point, military officers rape and torture an enemy agent, citing its inhumanity as grounds for the treatment. The Cylon is an enemy, true, and is one of the refined models of robots originally created by humans before the Cylons rebelled and ignited the war. (In another brilliant update from the first show, having the Cylons be man's creation tightens the dramatic structure immensely, moving the antagonists from merely just another group of aliens to physical representations of our own sins visited upon us.) But their behavior is shocking, not in spite of the nature of the enemy, but because of it: Presented with an opportunity to display their humanity, the humans reverted to animals.

One of the sharpest bits of dialogue comes in a throwaway exchange between two Galactica officers who intervened and stopped what was about to be the rape of another prisoner. One of the men says, "I thought the Cylons were the enemy." His friend replies, "Yeah, well, now it's us." The show is uncompromising in its intent to mine the painful truths of life, and that places it far beyond most other shows on TV.

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June 18, 2006

Sunday List Blowout

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June 17, 2006

I Want Her To Have No History Of Retardation

This is one of my favorite Borat pieces. (I'm also curious to know from my friends who've been to Kazakhstan if it's at all like Borat describes.) I was going to post the trailer for the upcoming Borat movie, but Fox, in another phenomenal lack of understanding of the power of free publicity, got all douchey and pulled it off YouTube. Whatever. Anyway, this one's a classic:

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Review: Nacho Libre

As dull as you'd expect:

Clickety-click.

Also, there's a big charity event happening nationwide this weekend. Great movie, and it's for a good cause. Just buy a ticket already.

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June 15, 2006

Ice Cream Flavors I Would Never Try

mayonnaise

mesquite

used gum

just plain rock salt

cheddar

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There's Vomit On His Sweater Already, Mom's Spaghetti

Because you have nothing better to do, and you know it:

The Pajiba trade round-up.

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June 14, 2006

The Elderly: Still Pretty Worthless

The old man, Tony, who works in my office, is yet another in the long list of reasons why I think that whole Greatest Generation thing is a big steaming pile of crap. He's old, loud, a drain on our work, and oddly bitter for a mooch with a cushy job. He's just a crusty, worthless old fart who doesn't wear socks and sleeps at his desk every day. The guy comes in late and leaves early, and spends most of his days doing anything but work.

He's on the phone a lot. A lot. Like phone-sex-operator a lot. He's usually bitching to I.T. about his "broken monitor/mouse/etc." He complained that his monitor was busted when in fact he'd turned it off while moving it around on his desk. The frightening thing is that he also spends a lot of time on the phone with his wife, who must be cataclysmically retarded when it comes to technology, or else have some kind of Sammy Jankis thing going on, because this old woman can't remember anything about computers. Time and again, Tony will yell into the phone something along the lines of, "Click on File … click on File … up in the toolbar … click on File … DAMMIT YOU KNOW WHERE FILE IS … you know I love you my darling … DAMMIT CLICK FILE." This can go on for hours. I kid you not, hours.

It would be a different story if he was clutch, if he came through in the last minute to help solve problems or provide valid advice. But he's not. He's as far from that as you can get.

It's just another reminder that my generation needs jobs, and we're waiting on this guy's generation to hurry up and die already so we can have them.

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I Know A Lot Of People Like This. Too Many, Maybe.

Most of the people that fit the profile in the attached ad would embrace the stereotype. Go figure.

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Stupid Red Shirts

I worked as a Target cashier one summer, and was the only white male within like 50 miles of that building. My coworkers were a few older women who were rapidly approaching senility and some younger women who, though nice, were prone to ghetto bangs and that weird thing where they used really dark lipliner and light lipstick, making it seem as if they'd just polished off a giant Hershey bar.

I would often vent about my crappy Target job to my coworkers at my crappy movie theater job (being an usher absolutely blows, and that was a horrible summer for free tickets, too). I was tempted to show up on the first day at Target and pretend to be deaf or something, just so no one would talk to me. My friend Mac suggested that I feign some kind of mental handicap, and when processing transactions, pocket all the cash and hand the customer back a wad of green construction paper with "MUNNY" written on it as I gleefully announced, "Here's your money!"

I'll always wish I'd done it.

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June 12, 2006

In Defense

A few weeks ago, the trades shipped issues with hard black covers bearing critical blurbs praising an unnamed TV show. The gist:

"One of the best shows on TV. … [T]he toughest smartest show on television …" — Rolling Stone

"… one of the best shows on television …" — The New York Times

"… much much better than you can possiby imagine …" — Salon.com

"… one of the most original and provocative programs on television …" — Newsday

And so on in the same vein. The hard covers contained a perforated circle in the middle, behind which was an Emmy consideration DVD. I was curious as to which show could draw such praise from so many critics and have its title go unmentioned anywhere in the ad. I punched open the cardboard and pulled out the contents, which turned out to be a disc with three complete "Battlestar Galactica" episodes and a few selected scenes.

My knee-jerk response was one of mild disappointment, which was exactly what the nameless ad had been so desperately trying to avoid. The marketing department behind "Battlestar Galatica" surely knows this: You can't just go spring a sci-fi show on somebody, especially if you're trolling for mainstream awards. No, you have to slip it in the back door, make people read the critical acclaim before opening the box. And that's a shame.

It's a shame for many reasons, because after viewing the first season of "Battlestar Galactica," I can tell you honestly that it's an amazing show, full of drama and pain and heartbreak and sex and violence and betrayal and death and death and death and everything you could want in a drama. And it happens to be set in outer space. This reborn version of the 1978 series has nothing in common with the original except its name. I saw a few episodes of the original when I was younger, and even back then I knew it was campy, cheesy, and unbelievably stupid. (Now that I'm older, I can also see how it was really, really gay: Men with feathered hair who wear capes and pilot phallic spaceships into long metal tubes all day. I mean, come on.) But this reimagining of the show is infinitely superior to the first, so much so that it's impossible to even compare the two. The first doesn't even exist, as far as I'm concerned. Think of the creative leap between Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back and multiply it by something like 19 and you'll begin to understand how much better the new "Battlestar Galactica" is compared with the old one.

But I was reluctant to check out the show at first. For starters, it's an original production from Sci Fi Channel, and their raison d'être seems to be creating and airing some truly godawful programming. Their made-for-TV movies are a joke in everything from effects to casting to story, and their original shows tend to err on the side of alienating anyone who wants a sharp drama in favor of people who prefer cold facts and random scientific-sounding jargon. I therefore figured that "Battlestar Galactica" would surely fall into the latter camp. I've found myself writing off a lot of sci-fi sight unseen — I'm almost reluctant to do all this talking about sci-fi, period — but that's a dangerous habit to have.

Every genre has its successes and its failures, and to wall yourself off from a certain type of film because of prejudice toward the genre just doesn't make sense. A lot of dramas suck. A lot of action movies suck. A lot of romantic comedies suck. I'll save us all a lot of time: A lot of movies just plain suck. But it would be foolish to avoid all films because some of them were of low quality. No film is automatically good or bad by virtue of its genre. That's like saying "All Westerns suck" or "All World War II films are great," and those are the kind of broad, sweeping statements best left to wayward undergrads, and I think we're all past that.

So I gave "Battlestar Galactica" a chance, and discovered a truly great show. It's a tightly woven, compelling drama about what it means to live in a free society and the importance of justice in the presence of chaos; the sci-fi setting is the backdrop, not the focus. It's shot in a hand-held, documentary style, and the sets have a wonderful lived-in feel, as if the characters actually inhabit that fictional universe, as opposed to the clinically sterile feel of better known but vastly inferior shows. It's already been proven that an honest, character-driven drama set in space can work. "Battlestar Galactica" is another entry in that field, and it would be unfortunate if people avoided it just because of its genre.

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June 11, 2006

I Will Spend Way Too Much Time With This

I recently learned of Flixster, a website that allows you to rate movies you've seen and compare your ratings with friends and quietly judge people who have bad taste. I love the Internet. There's now a Flash-based bug on the left side of the page, right below the map that shows my looming world domination.

Anyway, here's the link to sign up for a free account and determine our cinematic compatibility. It's a good way to kill time. Just do it. You know you're going to do it. So do it.

Click right here.

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June 10, 2006

An Open Letter To The Painters At My Apartment Complex Who Painted The Metal Poles In The Covered Parking Area A Dark Shade Of Brown, Making Them Difficult To See In The Daytime And Downright Invisible At Night:

You guys are idiots.

Sincerely,

Daniel Carlson

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Review: Cars

Take away the mid-level pseudo-country soundtrack, and it'd be a lot better. Still, it's pretty entertaining:

Clickety-click.

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June 8, 2006

I Say We Just Grow Up, Be Adults, And Die

Do you like entertainment industry news?

Do you like seeing expletives in print?

Well, you should take a moment to check this out:

The Pajiba trade round-up.

I'm still trying to figure out how to work "donkey punch" into one of these news briefs we do. Just the kind of hard work you can expect from your friendly neighborhood Pajiba.

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June 7, 2006

Oddly Vindicating. Thanks, You Magical Interwebs.

How grammatically correct are you? (Revised with answer key)


You are a GRAMMAR GOD!Congratulations! If your mission in life is not already to preserve the English tongue, it should be. You can smell a grammatical inaccuracy from fifty yards. Your speech is revered by the underlings, though some may blaspheme and call you a snob. They're just jealous. Go out there and change the world.
Take this quiz!


Quizilla |

Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

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June 6, 2006

True Story

I'm pretty sure the online guy who's desk is at most 17 feet from mine is only days away from coming to work and shooting up the place, and when the S.W.A.T. team finally takes him down four hours later, it'll be in some gruesome standoff at his apartment, where authorities will find the bodies of small animals and various runaways/hobos entombed in a room full of old refrigerators.

I'm just saying, the guy creeps me out.

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June 5, 2006

On The Job

As is often the case, Dave Poland had some good feedback on the latest Risky Biz column, which needless to say I was interested to read. Thompson does have some good points about the growing popularity of online critics, though. But that's about it. Dave Kehr continued things over on his blog.

Kehr has a good observation about the relationship between taste and age:

The real divides in the film crit community seem to me those of sensibility and approach, not of birthdays, and as I’ve said before, I’ll always find much more in common with someone who shares my interest in, say, Mizoguchi or Hawks, be he or she 20 or 120, than with someone who knows those filmmakers only as names, or may not know them at all. I was 14 years old when I fell under the spell of Andrew Sarris, and it certainly never occurred to me that I couldn’t trust his taste, intelligence and hard-earned knowledge because he belonged to an older generation. Quite the contrary, in fact.

(That's largely true; I've succesfully duped many older and wiser people into thinking I'm a whole lot smarter than I really am by having good taste and the ability to talk about movies.)

I don't think the rise of online-based film criticism is what's hurting old school outlets like newspapers. No, I think the growing trend of print critics to automatically pan movies aimed at younger (meaning under 40) audiences without going into anything meaningful about why a particular film might be good or bad. Kehr writes of his distaste reviewing the latest tween dreck like Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen: "As much as I tried to take refuge in questions of style (not easy when you are dealing with Garry Marshall) or sociology (too easy when you are dealing with Lindsay Lohan), the fact remained that these movies were not made for me, nor I for them." I see where's coming from, believe me, but the fact remains that critics are as vital now as ever, and not despite the rise of such niche-targeted crap, but because of it.

The best part of writing about movies (and there are dozens of good aspects to the gig) is the opportunity to get just one reader per review to change their mind about film or persuade them to see something differently. The purpose is not to simply say, "This is good," or, "This totally blows." Anyone can say that, and most competent readers can come to those conclusions on their own. No, it's imperative to dig in to the hows and whys of a film's successes and failures, to pull it apart and look at it in the light of our culture and society and faith and political system and everything that influences our worldview. Older critics can't just assume people will take their word for it that some films are good and others are bad. Criticism is (importantly) dependent on communites of informed judgment, but the average reader isn't a part of that community and often doesn't care to be. You have to reach that reader, to make someone who couldn't care less about the difference between Bay and Truffaut appreciate something new or different in a film.

If we fail that reader, then we fail the vocation itself. My brothers, this should not be. The goal of the whole thing is to serve the greater good, to, like the man said, "raise the level of public debate in this country, and let that be our legacy."

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June 4, 2006

Put Your Socks On Mama, Now

It was another warm night in the valley, and the Internet was down. Cut off from the world, unable to forage among the endless supply of worthless news articles and sports scores or however else people waste their time online, my roommate and I were forced to spend several hours with our first love: Cable TV.

It's not as if we don't normally watch TV. The TV's on pretty much all the time. I turn it on every morning even if it's just background noise as I prepare for work; I find its mindless chatter soothing, the white-noise coo of a mother over a crib. But last night was different: We cruised through tiers of premium pay channels as if on a mission, determined to find something to take our minds off the fact that we were sweating bullets, our balls stuck to our thighs, trying to maintain a minimum of movement, wondering just how hot it has to be for your ankle to sweat this much. We needed to find something good.

And find it we did.

We've got a ton of cable channels we just never watch, mainly because no one in their right mind would watch GAC when you've got HBO. But it turns out that we get quite a variety of esoterically programmed music networks, among them Fuse TV. And last night we discovered a sparkling freak show, a glimmering beacon of absurdity amid the wasteland of weekend programming, a discover akin to finding an original Picasso in an Oklahoma garage sale tagged at $2.50 with a complimentary set of McDonald's souvenir glasses. My friends, I'm speaking of Pants-Off Dance-Off.

It literally is as simple as its title: Contestants strip on camera to a music video playing behind them. The production costs have to be extremely low: Green screen, video, camera. Put it on the air. The show's obviously got a fleshly appeal, and I'm sure I don't need to sell you on the transfixing merits of watching some pretty toned women who teach aerobics or tend bar shake it onscreen to some generic dance rap/R&B. There were chunks of time during which my roommate and I simply sat, staring silently.

But the show's much more than that. This thing is like freak central. The skull-shattering humor started to hit home when Ron, an old man, began to simply bounce back and forth, arms extended akwardly, while The Cure's "Friday I'm in Love" played behind him. Even 20 years ago, Ron would have been way too old for that music. Does he like The Cure? Was he given the song by whoever told him to do the show? The mind reels. And it's not as if Fuse is mocking these people; there's an air of genuine openness about some of the dancers, many of whom dance like retarded goats but don't care. It's like all the cool kids in high school took the day off, and the theater students decided to put on a show.

The unicorn girl was frightening. She just stood there in her underwear and a boa with A GIANT UNICORN MASK* on her head and shook quite unerotically. It was like watching my nightmares come to life. It was as if Cronenberg and Lynch had a really poseur-ish hipster love child that just got really into exploitive irony. And I couldn't look away.

There was also the dwarf dressed like Elvis, cape and all, and he was pretty ripped for a little guy. There was the woman with clown makeup, who so thoroughly unnerved me that I will not speak of it further. There was the really, really gay guy, like so gay he was back to straight and then gay again, who danced to Prince. Man. The whole thing was amazing.

If you watch any of the clips on their site, be warned: There's partial nudity, and it's not pretty. But more than that, you might not be able to stop yourself. There's something oddly affecting about watching a clearly unbalanced man named Glenn dance sadly in an undershirt to obscure pop. It's a fascinating cross-section of America like you'd find at an airport. Only topless.

*I know that the tools out there will try and call me on using caps, though careful readers will remember I didn't ban the practice outright. Now can it.

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June 3, 2006

Like I Really Need Another Serialized Drama To Spend Way Too Much Time And Energy On; And Yet, Here I Go

tricia_helfer_1

So ...

My weekend's kinda booked.

Yeah.

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Review: District B13

I know, I know, you haven't heard of it.

Clickety-click.

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June 1, 2006

It's Hunting Season

Time for the news:

The Pajiba trade round-up.

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