Slowly Going Bald

The Girl Next Door (2004)

I have many problems with this movie, many of which can be traced back to the stupidity of the main characters.

• Why would Matthew (Emile Hirsch) seriously consider dating Danielle (Elisha Cuthbert)? She's a porn star. That's beyond used goods; that's battered, damaged goods that needs to get tested every six weeks. Seriously, Matty. This is a bad, bad idea.

• Danielle's age is never given, but she's clearly young. Cuthbert was only 21 when the movie was released, and the character of Danielle can be said to be the same age. At one point, Danielle's manager, Kelly (Timothy Olyphant), says to Matthew: "I just think you'd want someone more your age." Matthew responds, "She is my age," to which Kelly replies, "Yeah, I meant ... experience-wise." So Danielle is between 18 and 21, and already a full-fledged porn star. Again, Matthew, this is a bad area.

• The fact that Danielle is at most 21 and already well-established in the skin business makes me think she got into it when she was under 18. And even if she waited until she turned legal to start having sex on film, which is doubtful, what's so appealing to Matthew about a girl his own age who works in porn? No girl grows up wanting to be a porn star, Matthew.

• Why is Danielle a porn star? What made her turn to such a profession?

• The film opens with Danielle moving in next door to Matthew because she's running from Kelly. Why is she running? Did something bad happen to make her normal porn-star existence even worse?

• Matthew and his buddies make a safe-sex instruction video starring adult film actresses, April and Ferrari (why anyone would think it would be cool to get it on with someone named after a car is a whole other therapy session). The girls address the camera and talk about the pressure some teens feel to lose their virginity at their senior prom. Ferrari says she lost hers at prom, and then asks April when it happened for her, and April's response is, "When I was 10." And Ferrari plays it for a joke by waiting a beat and moving on. How is that funny? How is that anything other than really, really disturbing? Thinking about it for longer than a second leads you down a dark path of reasoning, leading to even more unsettling questions: What happened to that girl? How did she end up here?

Really, it goes on and on. The film wants to come across as the new generation's answer to Risky Business, which came across even lighter than writer-director Paul Brickman had intended, since studio meddling made the film end rosier than the original tale of Reagan-era excess was meant to have. But at least that film had some kind of cautionary message, however blurred, hidden inside. The Girl Next Door tries to play like a mix of Brickman's film and American Pie, some straight-ahead sex romp with an edge. But instead it's just really depressing.

Verdict: If you're a high school guy, try and catch it on cable. But then go take a good long look in the mirror.

--------