The Positions
I've written here on more than one occasion about the various pitfalls I seem to encounter whenever I use a public restroom, particularly the one at my office. But I realize that many of you (or half of you, anyway) might still be in the dark about a few things. It's with that in mind that I present these brief but hopefully informative psychological sketches of men and the way they handle their business.
The Leaner
This is the guy that can't stand on his own power, as if the act of urinating is also somehow draining him of essential life forces. He will usually rest against the wall by placing his free hand against the area above the urinal, or if he's really tired, lay his entire forearm against the wall and rest his head against it as he urinates. I don't know what happened to this guy psychologically in his youth to make peeing such an exhausting act.
The Groaner
This guy has his own category, though it should be noted that Groaners and Leaners often overlap. But the Groaner has a unique way of dealing with urination, namely, to gently moan as he lets flow. This is almost always disturbing, since the last thing anyone wants while they're peeing is for the guy next to him to start vocalizing. He has the ability to stand on his own, but sometimes the groaning at taking what feels like the world's longest pee is enough to sap his strength, thus turning a Groaner into a Leaner.
The Freehander
This is the major leagues of independent urination. One of my bosses does this, and it's a staggering display of confidence. The Freehander stands before the urinal and pees without using his hands, often turning back and forth slightly in a move known as the "Cincinnati Hosedown." His feet apart, and his hands on his waist (or backward on his hips, like Forrest Gump), the Freehander does his business with cool ease. Not recommended unless you're drunk and/or Jack Nicholson.
The Singer
This is the rarest kind of public pisser, but also the hands-down weirdest. The Singer will, either to get things started or just to pass the time, whistle or sing or hum while doing his business. You'd be tempted to think that such behavior would be a display of stratospheric confidence that would elevate the perpetrator into the Freehander level. But the Groaner Corollary applies: Any talking is bad talking when you've got your piece out. After all, this is a public/office bathroom, not a camping trip. Bad call, Singer.
The Hider
The Hider stands there and urinates quietly, but can be startled like a deer in the headlights if a nearby urinal becomes occupied. This usually only happens in the most confined bathrooms, where only two urinals are mounted on the wall, elevating the risk of having someone come up to you while you're trying to pee, which is really annoying, I mean if we weren't in a bathroom I'd kick the guy right in the throat, can't he see that my pants are undone and I really don't feel like doing any kind of social interaction? The Hider will often seek out a bathroom he knows to be rarely trafficked just to revel in its peace and tranquility.
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