Notes From My Department Meeting, 5.3.05
Kim, head of the department, again launches into a description of the color scheme of our new office, ending with the justification, "They did that at J.D. Power." I'm no stranger to pretentious statements; a girl in a philosophy class I took once ended an argument with, "And thus ended the Nietzchean cycle of circular time." But the whole J.D. Power thing is worse because this is the real world, and people shouldn't act like this.Denise shall henceforth be known as Crazy F***ing Denise, or simply CFD.I found a much better picture of Joyce. Enjoy. The laugh is too similar to be coincidence.After making a small joke to the person sitting next to me, Scott, one of the bosses, leans over and tells me to keep it down. I stand up on the table and take my shirt off. "What do you want to do?" I ask him. "What do you want to do?" He backs down quick enough. He's all talk.CFD regales us with tales of the convention she was recently sent to, and her story includes a Top 15 list of things she learned about our company, herself, the universe, etc. She says this is in honor of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy being released in theaters. Words cannot be found to describe the horror and pity I felt at seeing someone so gleefully cast aside any attempt to make themselves socially palatable at the office and use the minutes she's been allotted to speak to trap me and my coworkers in a hellish dimension of pain, embarrassment, and more suicidal urges than most high schoolers. I hate CFD.Joyce lets loose her cackle but quickly sputters into a bout of emphysemic hacking. Maybe you shouldn't take 9 smoke breaks a day, you walking black lung.The girl sitting across from me keeps accidentally kicking my ankle. But there are no accidents in Dan's World of Fantasy and Psychosis.I don't know how these people get excited about being here. They wake up in the morning thinking, "Man, I'm glad I don't have to be creative today. Good thing I'm just one step above the spell-check in Word. I like any ideas I have to die, quickly and unused."
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